For those young enough to go back to school, here are some jokes to make it bearable. For others to old for school, I got nothing. You can still read these jokes, I guess. It’s your choice, really. I can’t stop you, do as you wish…
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don’t think so.
Harry announces his plans to marry a 19 year old stripper on his 75th birthday. His doctor says to him “I think you should reconsider, prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal”.
Harry shrugs his shoulders and says, “If she dies, she dies!”
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”
Went out last night for sushi. I love it, but have never been good with chopsticks, so I eat my sushi with my fingers. I was noticing on the way home that every time I smelled my fingers, I remembered what a good time I’d had.
Kind of like high school.
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says “sure” and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
The guy says, “I know, but she has a sweet personality and makes a great lasagna.”