‘Tis the winter of our amusement

Behold, I have brought jokes.

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the ‘chrome-plated Christian fish emblem’ on the trunk, so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.

“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.

“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.

“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

A woman in a supermarket rushes to the express line with a few items. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?”

The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice tits.”

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser’s. The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

“Now wait here when your finished, I’m just off to do some shopping.” says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad’s still waiting, when the barber says, “I think your dad’s forgotten you”.

The little lad says, “He’s not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut”.

My buddy asked, “If it was between having sex with a dog or having sex with a cat, which would you choose?”

I promptly said, “A dog.”

He asked, “Why?”

I replied, “Because their dicks are bigger.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’

I got a woman back to my place last night. The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture. “Is this your wife?” she frowned.

“Yes, it is,” I replied. “She passed away.”

“How sad,” she sighed. “How did your sons take it?”

“I haven’t told them yet,” I replied. “They stayed at their grandma’s last night.”

Music to write by #154

Star Wars – Duel Of The Fates

The Shawshank Redemption – End Titles

Sunshine – What Do You See?

Questions, nothing but silly questions

I love these little musings :-) Some of these I’ve featured before but let’s pretend they’re new to you, okay?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… Floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

Music to write by #153

Robin Hood – Landing of the French

Superman – The Planet Krypton

The Secret of My Success – Gazebo

Jokes, is that what you want?

Well you got ‘em! Happy now?

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replies.

The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for?”

“Not exactly,” the boy says. “But they aren’t for me. They’re for my brother – he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either one.”

On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”

Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”

Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to fuck off!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted “Fujifoo!”

One of the Japanese men looked at him with a very confused look on his face and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

I went to my friend’s house yesterday and his kids were running all around the house screaming and behaving badly. He looked me square in the face and said, “Don’t ever have kids, buddy.”

I said, “Hard work?”

He said, “No, you’re an ugly bastard.”

You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you’re going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said “How can you tell them apart?”

He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

Music to write by #152

Tron Legacy – Daft Punk – Outlands

Transformers – Bumblebee Captured

Shrek – True Love’s First Kiss

How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor

It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure! A big thank you for those who serve.

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it Haze Grey inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month. Color choices: Haze Grey or Dark Grey.

Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the “head”). Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub (or shower-stall) and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it “water hours”)

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it “PQS- Qualifications”)

Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it “Morning Muster Call”)

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it “Early-Liberty”)

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as “SHIT-CAN’s”)

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it “Mail Call”)

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it “Movie Call”)

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. (Horse cock = BOLOGNA)

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats = MIDNIGHT RATIONS)

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it “FIRE DRILL”)

Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, “Man overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it “QUARTERDECK WATCH”)

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when it’s 145 down there in front of the boilers, that’s a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.

Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!

Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife’s butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.

Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!

Shout out every time a women comes into your room, “female in quarters”!

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