So this guy walks into a bar…

…and the bar was too low so he got a concussion and died. The end. Funny? How about these instead…

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says, “I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth”.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

I had a quiet New Year’s Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.

I fucking hate prison.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

So, my wife comes up to me with a dreamy look in her eye and asks, “Why don’t we make love like they do in the movies?”

So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, ate her pussy, fucked her good, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few kilometers further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the barman and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.”

The barman said, “You heartless bastard, he’s only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?”

Music to write by #145

Battle Los Angeles – Abandoning Los Angeles

Audiomachine – Massacre

Gladiator – Slaves To Rome

Are Men Happier People?

After considerable scientific studies, we still wonder who is the luckiest gender. Witness the evidence:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bro and Butthead.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Music to write by #144

Jay-Z & Kanye West – No Church In The Wild (Instrumental)

Miami Vice – Crockett’s Theme

John Rambo – Aftermath

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

Okay, you probably have. The last original joke I heard was when I was a toddler. But bear with me, I make a living writing these posts. Actually, no I don’t. Here are some jokes anyway…

I always thought my mate Dave was gay, but then I saw him with a really fit redhead a few times.

I asked him with a smirk, “Soooo, does the carpet match the drapes?”

“No they don’t.” he said, “And don’t even get me started on the rest of her hideous decor.”

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital’s ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I’d been in a serious accident. She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

I managed to mumble in reply, “So, I Can feel your tits then?”

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, “Hey, don’t blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!”

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a fucking life sentence, OKAY?!”

What’s the first thing a redneck girl says after losing her virginity?

“Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushin’ my cigarettes.”

Music to write by #143

Ip Man 2 – Getting Together, Breaking Up

Audiomachine – Men Of Valor

Indiana Jones – Theme

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield!

Rodney Dangerfield is a comedy legend. By some accounts he wasn’t a pleasant human being but I choose to remember him for his great one-liners.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor; it was self-service…

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I don’t want to say I am ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

I’m so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go tomorrow…. I didn’t go today.

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