Jolly July Jokes. Say that 10 times fast. In public. Go on, I dare you! For the others among you who are sane, here are some jokes:
Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.
“Santa Claus??” exclaims the woman,
“Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?” asks Santa.
“Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned.”
Santa replies, “Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone.”
“My goodness!” exclaims the woman. “That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?”
“There is one thing… how about a blowjob?”
The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit. As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman “By the way, how old are you?”
“I’m 27? replies the woman while wiping her mouth.
“You’re 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?” he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.
A Catholic boy goes to confession and tells the priest, “Bless me father, it’s been two months since my last confession. I think of my younger sister whenever I masturbate.”
“That’s a disgrace” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”
He began his series of questions.
Tower: “How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you’re flying upside down??”
Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is now sliding out of my collar.”
I phoned the police the other day.
“What’s your emergency?” they asked.
I said, “Two girls are fighting over me.”
“OK,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”
“The fat one’s winning.”
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
I went to a night club with my friends last night and we all had a $50 bet to see who could fuck the ugliest woman.
After an hour or so they called me on my cell and said, “Where the hell are you?”
I said, “At home with the wife.”
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
I saw on my Facebook news feed that my ex-girlfriend ‘likes’ Comcast Xfinity, and I was pissed.
It hurt enough to be reminded of my ex, but I was more upset that she uses Comcast!
I mean, she never let ME fuck her in the ass!
Don’t you just love to equally piss everybody off? So because I’m feeling magnanimous…
I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Unfortunately, we don’t have that hoverboard from Back to the Future AS WAS PROMISED, DAMMIT! so we’ll have to make do with some jokes…
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. Hmmm… you’re right!”
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I’ve been teasing her about her size.
So I’m going all out to make it up to her tonight…
I’ve got a good bottle of wine and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favorite show. When she gets in from work I’m going to prepare her favorite dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
A boy comes home from school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes mom – I had sex with my English teacher!” he replied.
The mother is stunned. “Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!”
The dad comes home and hears the news; he’s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today – this is a cause for celebration. Let’s get a steak dinner, then I’ll buy you that bike you’ve been asking for.”
“Cool! – but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”
The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”
The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you, boning your secretary.”
Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.
The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs, then?”
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a golfer who lived in a villa on the course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
“Hey you, what’s your name?”
“Dick,” he replied.
“Dick forget your troubles. Come to my villa, I’ll give you good driving lessons and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Dick answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted with a wink.
“Well okay,” Dick finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, and sexy driving and putting lessons, Dick thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Probably still under the cart.”
I was eating my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.
“You’re disgusting!” I said gagging.
“So are you” she snapped. “I’m trying to take a shit, Dave.”