Well, not really. Nothing ever happens to me. I’m like a clam in that regard. So let’s read some jokes instead :-)
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,
and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to nail a vegan.
This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.
At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head “yes”. The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head “no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head “yes” to the ladies and “no” to the men. He went up to the farmer and asked him why.
The farmer replied, “Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife’s dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?”
I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.
When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”
“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”
After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”
Excitedly Bill asked, “And that will cure me?”
“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”
If you’re flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement, “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?”
Your answer should always be “Yes”.
Well, if you’re going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.