Springtime, spring for jokes

It’s been a while since you’ve laughed, I can FEEL it!

I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after a beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she also needs some tampons.”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With this last breath John said, “I do!”

I was arguing with the missus the other day, all I said was “fuck off and die”.

She stormed out and a couple hours later I got a phone call from the police, “We’re sorry to inform you sir but your partner has been found dead, we think she jumped from the bridge”.

Don’t get me wrong it’s sad, but I won that argument and a win’s a win.

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

I’ve just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber recently during an argument at a nightclub in Spain. Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore afterwards.

Apparently, the entire nightclub had lined up to high-five him.

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, “Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?”

Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” says Jerry. “But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?”

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, “I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it.”

My dog had been ill and after a trip to the vets, I went to the pharmacy for his medicine.

“Fucking hell.” Said the chemist, studying the paper. “Was the vet Chinese or something?”

“Actually, yeah.” I chuckled. “Is it illegible?”

“No, it’s a recipe.”

Music to write by #156

Transformers 3 – Our Final Hope

The Rock – Jade

Sunshine – Kanada’s Death, Pt. 2 (Adagio In D Minor)

When comedy meets philosophy

Wish I was smart enough to have written these gems. Enjoy anyway!

I had amnesia once – or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

#FREE Collection of wacky stories!

Hey everybody!Crime and Bacon

I finally got off my butt and made a proper box set of short stories: Crime and Bacon: Stories to Read in Public Bathrooms.

Under my cheeky pen name Jack Q. Stowe, the stories range from the hilarious to the slightly less hilarious. You’ll find tales of murder and kidnapping and science fiction, everything a growing boy with psychopathic tendencies needs!

To celebrate the launch, the whole thing is FREE. Hell, it even gluten-free! You have until March 11 and it’s only on Amazon.

GET IT NOW!

Music to write by #155

Skyfall – Komodo Dragon

Titanic – Rose

Tron Legacy – Daft Punk – The Game Has Changed

‘Tis the winter of our amusement

Behold, I have brought jokes.

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the ‘chrome-plated Christian fish emblem’ on the trunk, so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.

“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.

“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.

“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

A woman in a supermarket rushes to the express line with a few items. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?”

The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice tits.”

A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser’s. The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.

“Now wait here when your finished, I’m just off to do some shopping.” says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the little lad’s still waiting, when the barber says, “I think your dad’s forgotten you”.

The little lad says, “He’s not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut”.

My buddy asked, “If it was between having sex with a dog or having sex with a cat, which would you choose?”

I promptly said, “A dog.”

He asked, “Why?”

I replied, “Because their dicks are bigger.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’

‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’

I got a woman back to my place last night. The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture. “Is this your wife?” she frowned.

“Yes, it is,” I replied. “She passed away.”

“How sad,” she sighed. “How did your sons take it?”

“I haven’t told them yet,” I replied. “They stayed at their grandma’s last night.”

Music to write by #154

Star Wars – Duel Of The Fates

The Shawshank Redemption – End Titles

Sunshine – What Do You See?

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