The American President – The First Kiss
Audiomachine – Battle of Actium
Backdraft – Fighting 17th
I gained three pounds just reading this but OMG behold the awesomeness!
Originally posted on Dish 'n' the kitchen:
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It’s a proven fact that laughing increases body temperature. Therefore, reading the following is necessary in these harsh winter conditions. I’m doing a public service over here…
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
I came home after a night out with work.
“You’re early,” my wife sneered. “I thought you’d be out all night flirting with that slut Tracy.”
“Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there’s no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home.”
“Aww, you do love me really, don’t you…”
“Shut the fuck up and cook me a steak.”
As I gazed upon the newborn baby, and heard its first cry in this world, I reflected that now, finally, I understood what true happiness was.
Knowing the noisy little fuck belonged to someone else.
I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”
What fun that was!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Tried to plug my phone charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like “STOP, I don’t do that!”
A couple is about to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and the woman asks her husband, “My love, what are you gonna get me as a gift?”
“A trip to China,” he says.
“Oh, that’s amazing! If you’re giving me a trip to China for our 25th anniversary, what will you do for our 50th anniversary?”
Straight-faced he says, “I’ll fetch you back.”
They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.
Are you smart enough to get all these? I proudly proclaim that I am not…
1. Would there be any resistance if I took you ohm?
2. I’ve had my ion you for some time.
3. Would kissing you increase global warming and damage the Arctic irreversibly, or is it just enough to break the ice?
4. You’re so hot you denature my proteins.
5. If I was an enzyme I’d be DNA-helicase so I could unzip your genes…
6. You’re so sweet I am developing insulin resistance.
7. Girl, I want to be your differential because then I’d be touching all your curves.
8. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
9. Let’s take you, add me, subtract the clothes, divide your legs and multiply.
10. Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
11. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
12. Seismically speaking, geologists make your bed rock.
13. You are sin2 X and I am cos2 X and together, we are one.
14. I less than three you.
15. Your love is sweeter than 3.14159265…
16. How can I know the 100 digits of Pi and not the 11 of your phone number?
17. You may have 206 bones in your body, but I?ll happily give you another one.
18. I’m not being obtuse, but you’re acute girl.
19. I need some help with my calculus; can you integrate my natural log?
20. Your skin is as smooth as an endoplasmic reticulum.
21. You’re like telophase, I admire your cleavage.
22. Hey baby, want to form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?
23. Hey baby, can I be your enzyme? Because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.
24. Can I plug my solution into your equation?
25. Baby, you turn my floppy disk turn into a hard drive.
26. I think my heart just lagged.
27. You’re so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract. (Muscles that make you smile).
28. I’m POSITIVE I’d like your electron, want to bond?
29. I heard you’re sin because you’re always on top when we make tangent.
30. Hello, I’m Doctor Frankenstein – and I’ve got a monster of a…
31. Looking at you, creationists may have a point after all.
32.Hey baby, I think you are 1/Cos C (Sec C)
33. Your appearance of overall health, fitness, and signals of post-adolescent maturity make you an excellent choice for mating. I am willing to preen myself for an equivalent psycho-biological ritualistic judgment on your behalf. Although I believe that the combination of our DNA would result in the improvement of our species, I am willing to attempt to prevent same through the use of a barrier device.
We shall start the new year with a hefty dose of laughter.
When ordering Domino’s pizza online, it has the option to give the delivery driver special instructions.
Apparently “Pick me up a six-pack on your way over” wasn’t fucking special enough.
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.
“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Grandpa.
“Make a noise like a frog, because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”
After surgery, a blonde woman said to her doctor, “So, when can my sex life go back to normal?”
The surgeon frowned. “That’s got to be the first time someone asks me that after tonsils removal.”
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette”
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”
The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”
He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
What do you get if you hold a twenty dollar note between your chin and your chest?
A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.
Just before going to sleep, a young man turns to his new bride and asks, “Sweetheart, how many lovers did you have before me?”
There was no answer, only a long, long silence. Eventually, the husband came closer and whispered, “Sweetheart, are you sleeping?”
“No, I’m counting.”
I don’t have that much money. In fact, all the money I do make I end up giving away to Charity.
It’s a funny name for a stripper but she works hard for it and who am I to judge?
A guy found a penguin on the street so he goes to a policeman. “Officer, what should I do with this penguin?”
“You know, I’m no expert. I guess just take it to the zoo.”
The next day, the cop comes across the guy and the penguin again. “So, did you take it to the zoo?”
“Oh yes! He loved it, now I’m taking him to the movies!”
I wish you a glorious new year filled with happiness dipped in honey, good health and money
If you don’t have enough champagne left from last night for a morning mimosa, I hereby invite you to click this link below. It could save your life!