So this funny thing happened…

Well, not really. Nothing ever happens to me. I’m like a clam in that regard. So let’s read some jokes instead :-)

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to nail a vegan.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head “yes”. The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head “no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head “yes” to the ladies and “no” to the men. He went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied, “Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife’s dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?”

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”

“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”

After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”

Excitedly Bill asked,  “And that will cure me?”

“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”

If you’re flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement, “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?”

Your answer should always be “Yes”.

Well, if you’re going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Music to write by #139

Bad Boys – Main Theme

Audiomachine – Opus Dei

Braveheart – The Secret Wedding

Another fun collection of wine images – the never ending wine meme

Steve Richer:

Love these!

Originally posted on The Wine Wankers:

wine laughs funny stuff laundry doing it rightAfter the success of Wine… It pairs perfectly with Christmas!A collection of fun wine images and A great collection of wine infographics, I thought I’d create a new post as a way to store away a few more wine funnies that have come our way.

I wish I could credit the brilliant minds behind these but unless it’s on the image that important fact has been lost through time.

The humorous wine memes seem to be never ending. Enjoy! :-P

View original

Music to write by #138

Band Of Brothers – Band Of Brothers Suite One

Battle Los Angeles – Casualty of War

Freeplay Music – Clearing A

Summertime is summer joke time

Not hot enough for you? Overheat yourself some more by laughing hard. Or not so hard.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’re gonna love my place…. The grass is almost a foot high.”

A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn’t take it.

So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing — he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He’s pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever.

So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything’s going great; she keeps taking it and he’s loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth.

The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says “Hey, Frank, the dead one’s full again.”

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

A blonde with big knockers always bought dresses that showed off her cleavage. Trying on a particularly low-cut dress she checks with the assistant if she thinks it’s too low.

“Do you have hair on your chest?” the assistant asks.

“Of course not!” replies the blonde.

“Then this dress is far too low.”

Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons.

“So”, he says to them, “My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin; and Gunhild, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property.”

Gunhild replies, “Property? The idiot had a paper route!”

Music to write by #137

Audiomachine – Reunion

The Cinematic Orchestra – All Things To All Men

Antitrust – Opening Theme

What If Women Had A Penis For A Day

What do you think women would do if they had a penis only for one day? Scientists thought long or hard (get it, long and hard?) and came up with this list of probable answers.

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9…

Music to write by #136

Two Steps From Hell – Solitude

Daylight – Multiple Tracks

Field of Dreams – Suite

Time for jokes

Look at the clock. It’s a joke time!

Justin Bieber goes to jail.

He writes “Free JB!” on the wall in protest.

Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Leslie stared at the Mystic woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, and finally, down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as they are the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that’s how most guys feel about kids.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

“That’s disgusting!” shouts the girl.

“It’s the dog,” proclaims the guy.

“Don’t blame him,” she replies, “he was cooked perfectly.”

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu. After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken. The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.”

The ole Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Music to write by #135

Audiomachine – Depth Of Intensity

Band Of Brothers – Austria

Crimson Tide – Alabama

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