The Don’t-Laugh Challenge

Okay, you got me, there’s no challenge at all. This is just an excuse to make you read these jokes. Have fun :-)

I went up to this fat chic in the pub last night.

“You’re a big lass, aren’t you?” I said.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she replied looking pissed.

“Salad tastes nice.”

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I was seriously drunk the other night. I was sitting at the bar and couldn’t help staring at the only woman seated down from me. I walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped me silly.

I immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

She screamed “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, disgusting, no good drunk!” then stormed out.

“Funny,” I muttered, “you even sound exactly like her!”

A little boy says to his mother,”Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied,  “Don’t even go there! From what I  remember about that party,   you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark!

An Arab man is having paperwork filled out at the DMV.

“Name?”

“Abu Abdalah Sarafi.”

“Sex?”

“Four times a week!”

“No, no! I mean, man or woman?”

“Man, woman, sometimes camels.”

A worried woman asks her doctor: “Since my husband had a heart attack, can he still has sex?”

“Absolutely, ma’am,” the doctor replied. “But only with you because he must never be too excited.”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Hallelujah Jesus! I feel I’ve been born again…

…yes my wife’s vagina is that big.

Music to write by #132

The Fast and The Furious – Theme

Two Steps From Hell – STARFALL

Deadliest Catch – Sea Theme – Northwestern-Maverick Theme

Sparkling Shiraz – The perfect pizza wine!

Steve Richer:

Hmmm…

Originally posted on The Wine Wankers:

seppelt original sparkling shiraz and dominos pizza wine blog great nice best wine online wine wankers I still clearly remember the first time I actually enjoyed sparkling shiraz.  It’s one of those moments etched into the crevices of my mind.  I probably remember it so well not only because of the enjoyment I had but also because I was humbled.  My approach to the subject of sparkling shiraz had been both arrogant and ignorant and I got pounded by the experience.

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Music to write by #131

Vitamin String Quartet – My Immortal

Audiomachine – Damnation

Anna and the King – Letter of the Week

Springtime jokes!

Warning: These jokes have nothing to do with springtime. Sorry for the confusion. As an apology, here’s a belly laugh or two

A little boy visiting a farm ran to his mother. “Mom, I just saw the rooster mate 10 times this morning!”

The mother snorted. “Go tell your dad, he’ll understand.”

So the kid runs to his father. “Dad, mom said to tell you this morning the rooster mated 10 times. She said you would understand.”

The father nods knowingly. “Were the 10 times with the same chicken?”

“No.”

“Go tell your mom, she’ll understand…”

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

A kid gets hit by the chubby neighborhood lady and the mother wants some explanations.

“Why did you hit my son?”

“Because he doesn’t have any manners, he called me fat.”

“And you think by hitting him you’re gonna lose weight?”

I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my grandma for Sex tonight by mistake.

I meant ‘Tomorrow’.

After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Jeff are getting horny.

“Look,” says Bob, “Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I’m done, I’ll pretend to be a woman for you.”

Jeff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the ass. When it’s over, Jeff asks Bob for his go.

“Fuck off,” Bob replies, “I’ve got a headache.”

My wife has insisted that she will not do anal until I have.

So I nailed her sister up the ass. Her move.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

If God didn’t want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.

Maybe that’s why the T-rex was always so angry.

Music to write by #130

Assassination Of Jesse James – Legend Of Jesse James

Cliffhanger – Main Theme

The Cider House Rules – Main Title

Guaranteed To Work Pickup Lines

Say these to a lady and you will get laid or your money back! But reading this is free to begin with. See what I did there? ;-)

You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall… is in love with me.

I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way, and you’ll be lovin’ it.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that…your numbers not in it.

It’s a good thing that I have my library card. Why? Because I am totally checking you out!

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.

Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.

You?re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If beauty were time, you?d be eternity.

People call me John, but you can call me Tonight!

See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.

You are so sweet you could put Hershey?s out of business.

Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?

Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Your eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean, and baby I’m lost at sea!

You’re like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You must be a Snickers, because you satisfy me.

Know what’s on the menu? Me-n-u.

If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice Ass!

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutiepie like you!

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

It’s a good thing I wore my gloves today; otherwise, you?d be too hot to handle.

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

Would you sleep with a stranger? [No] Then Hi, my name is…

If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather survive a Zombie Apocalypse with.

There are 20 angels in the world 11 are playing, 8 are sleeping and 1 of them is standing in front of me.

Was your Dad a baker? Because you’ve got a nice set of buns.

If I had a garden I’d put your two lips and my two lips together.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you know karate? Cause your body’s kickin!

I’m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I’m Batman!

I want to tell you your fortune. [Take her hand and write your phone number on it.] Your future is clear.

What do you and the weather have in common? You’re both Hot!

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.

Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

How much does a polar beat weight? Enough to break the ice!

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

Music to write by #129

The American President – The First Kiss

Audiomachine – Battle of Actium

Backdraft – Fighting 17th

Chocolate Hazelnut Cheesecake or ‘Nutella by Nigella’

Steve Richer:

I gained three pounds just reading this but OMG behold the awesomeness!

Originally posted on Dish 'n' the kitchen:

Nigella Lawson is a lucky woman. I’m not sure how she gets away with making such delicious food and looking so amazing at the same time. Until recently, I’ve been avoiding her cook books on purpose because from what I know, she loves her cream, butter, and chocolate… a lot!  ‘ Nigellissima ‘ is the newest Nigella tome to hit the stands and when I saw it sitting there amongst the cook books at Costco I knew I just had to pick it up. It was, after all, a great deal! Now for sure, I have stacks and stacks of magazines and cookbooks just sitting there waiting for me to go through but for some reason I decided to go through Nigellissima right away. I’ve already posted a refined Banana Bread recipe based on one in the book but there was another recipe that also caught  my eye.

Hubby’s birthday…

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Music to write by #128

Chariots of Fire Theme

Balmorhea – March 4, 1831

Armageddon – Leaving

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