Ip Man 2 – Getting Together, Breaking Up
Audiomachine – Men Of Valor
Indiana Jones – Theme
Rodney Dangerfield is a comedy legend. By some accounts he wasn’t a pleasant human being but I choose to remember him for his great one-liners.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor; it was self-service…
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I don’t want to say I am ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’
My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”
I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
I’m so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go tomorrow…. I didn’t go today.
For those young enough to go back to school, here are some jokes to make it bearable. For others to old for school, I got nothing. You can still read these jokes, I guess. It’s your choice, really. I can’t stop you, do as you wish…
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger?
I don’t think so.
Harry announces his plans to marry a 19 year old stripper on his 75th birthday. His doctor says to him “I think you should reconsider, prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal”.
Harry shrugs his shoulders and says, “If she dies, she dies!”
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?”
The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”
The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”
Went out last night for sushi. I love it, but have never been good with chopsticks, so I eat my sushi with my fingers. I was noticing on the way home that every time I smelled my fingers, I remembered what a good time I’d had.
Kind of like high school.
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.
The guy says “sure” and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”
The guy says, “I know, but she has a sweet personality and makes a great lasagna.”
There are things in life that you just can’t argue with.
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus Truth: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.