It’s Joketoberfest!

Let’s drink to that, shall we?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants”?

“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Canadian soldier is better than ten Taliban”.

The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: “One Canadian is better than one hundred Taliban.”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The Canadian calls out again: “One Canadian is better than one thousand Taliban.”

The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought …. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men… it’s A trap. There’s two of them!

30meme down

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

“Maybe you should wait outside whilst I finish examining your dog,” said the vet.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

What does alcohol free beer taste like?

Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something’s not right.

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there’s a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says “What’s that for?”

The guy says “That’s a talking clock. I’ll show you how it works.”

He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says “Hey asshole! It’s 3:15 in the morning!”

My opinions are like my bed sheets.

I only change them if it helps me get laid.

No such thing as a bloodless coup

Hi everyone!

As previously announced, I have a new novel for you to read this fall. In my neck of the woods, temperatures are going down and there’s nothing better than to curl up next to the fireplace with a nice drink and a good book.

Never Bloodless” is actually a reworked version of an old book of mine called “Dying for Money”. So if you’ve read it, don’t get this one!Never Bloodless

It’s the story of a gruff mercenary who’s trying to build a new life for himself. But then he’s presented with an incredible offer: a fortune plus the chance to help out a small African country. All he has to do is overthrow the current dictator.

Probably too good to be true, right? Totally.

Please grab your copy now because for only a few days I’m GIVING IT AWAY! You’ll also notice there’s a paperback version if you prefer.

And if you enjoyed the book don’t forget to leave a review :-)


PS: I didn’t forget you guys! The sequel to “The President Killed His Wife” should be published around Christmas time…

Music to write by #170

Pirates of The Caribbean – The Black Pearl

Carmina Burana – O Fortuna

John Rambo – The Village

Funny zingers

Pressed for time? Here are some short zingers for you!

My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

31meme yawn

Music to write by #169

Patton – Main Title

Oblivion – Earth 2077

Patch Adams – Hello

Fall down laughing

Seemed like a good post title, y’know, autumn and alll :-/

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fucking hilarious.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $75?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man’s wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes” the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $75and handed it to her along with a $15 tip.

“Thank you” the blond said, “and by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s an Audi”.


So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships.

In HD was not the correct answer.

You’ve seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute. I’ll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

The king of the cannibals tells the three captured men that there is a way to get off the island if they accomplish a certain task. So the king says to the three men, “Collect ten of any single type of fruit and bring them to me.”

The three men quickly get to work and starts looking for fruits. The first man that returns has 10 bananas and offers them to the king.

But the king tells him, “It’s not over yet. You are to insert all the fruits in your anus without showing any emotions. If you laugh or cry, we will eat you.”

The man hesitates but proceeds to insert the 10 bananas up his anus. 1….2….- But it’s too painful and he cries out of agony. The cannibals eat him instantly.

The second guy that returns has collected 10 cherries. The king also tells him to do the same thing and that the first guy that returned was eaten for crying. The second guy is happy because he is certain he can insert all the cherries in because of their small size. So he proceeds to insert the cherries with ease.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9..- But the second guy starts laughing and the cannibals also eat him.

In heaven, the first and second guy meet and discuss their unbelievable misfortune. Halfway through the conversation the first guy says to the second guy, “I was watching you from up here and I saw that you nearly completed the task but all of a sudden you laughed. Why?”

The which the second guy replies, “I saw the third guy bringing pineapples.”

Music to write by #168

Remember the Titans – Theme

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 – What Shall We Die For

Pearl Harbor – Attack


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