Jokes coming right up!
The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. “You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you’ll ruin what’s left of your liver completely.”
“Fuck off, Doc,” I replied. “You always say that when it’s your round.”
An Army guy was sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says “Marines suck”.
Sure enough, two marines walked up. One of the Marines said, “WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!”
So the Army guy responded, “That’s the first thing I hate about Marines: they can’t read.”
The other Marine growled, “What did you say!?!”
The Army guy responded, “That’s the second thing I hate about Marines: they can’t hear.”
Then the first Marine demanded that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walked back into the bar unharmed. The bartender asked him what had happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responded, “That’s the third thing I hate about Marines: they bring knives to gunfights.”
I started going out with my buddy’s ex-girlfriend and he sent me a text the other day:
“Whats it like shagging a girl I’ve already used?”
I replied, “After the first two inches, like a brand new one.”
Husband takes the wife to a club. There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people,the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.
My friend told me that they are really expensive so I bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.’ What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job.” Sue tells her friend Carol. “The day after, it’s all better. You should try it.”
A day later Sue asked Carol if she followed her advice.
“I sure did!” grinned Carol. “And your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”
After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.
“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.
God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”
“I don’t know,” the guy replies, shrugging. “My wife told me to stand here.”
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