Men Teaching Classes for Women

This is hilarious. Sorry, ladies.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Music to write by #149

The Saint – Searching the Apartment

The Rock – Mason’s Walk – First Launch

The Chronicles of Narnia – The Battle

Funny you should ask

Jokes coming right up!

The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. “You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you’ll ruin what’s left of your liver completely.”

“Fuck off, Doc,” I replied. “You always say that when it’s your round.”

An Army guy was sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says “Marines suck”.

Sure enough, two marines walked up. One of the Marines said, “WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!”

So the Army guy responded, “That’s the first thing I hate about Marines: they can’t read.”

The other Marine growled, “What did you say!?!”

The Army guy responded, “That’s the second thing I hate about Marines: they can’t hear.”

Then the first Marine demanded that they take this outside.

Two minutes later the Army guy walked back into the bar unharmed. The bartender asked him what had happened to the two Marines.

The army guy responded, “That’s the third thing I hate about Marines: they bring knives to gunfights.”

I started going out with my buddy’s ex-girlfriend and he sent me a text the other day:

“Whats it like shagging a girl I’ve already used?”

I replied, “After the first two inches, like a brand new one.”

Husband takes the wife to a club. There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people,the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My friend told me that they are really expensive so I bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.’ What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job.” Sue tells her friend Carol. “The day after, it’s all better. You should try it.”

A day later Sue asked Carol if she followed her advice.

“I sure did!” grinned Carol. “And your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”

After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.

“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”

“I don’t know,” the guy replies, shrugging. “My wife told me to stand here.”

Music to write by #148

Tron Legacy – Daft Punk – Fall

Thelma & Louise – Suite

Titanic – An Ocean Of Memories

Oven Roasted Salmon with Parmesan-Mayo Crust

Steve Richer:

Tried and tested – delicious!

Originally posted on she cooks...he cleans:

Recently at the Saturday morning farmers’ market in Decatur, we picked up some fresh eggs from a local farm.  You might ask, “now what does that have to do with salmon?”  Thanks for asking, because I’m having a heck of a time getting this post started!  Well, I’m not a big egg-eater so I needed to come up with some other uses for the eggs.  Also, I have a bottle of great-tasting olive oil from Kasandrino’s…eggs plus olive oil equals mayonnaise!  (I’m getting to the salmon…)  Next thing you know, I have a big jar of homemade, lemony mayonnaise with no real plans for using it.  (As you can see, I was not thinking too far ahead last week.)  Thankfully I ran across a sale on salmon and put the mayo to great use!

Coating the salmon with a mixture of mayonnaise and Parmesan cheese and oven-roasting it resulted…

View original 562 more words

Music to write by #147

Transformers 3 – Sentinel Prime

Heat – God Moving Over The Face Of The Waters

Audiomachine – Letting Go

24 Puns for the Educated Mind

Feeling smart, do you?

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

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