Back to school and back to laughter

For those young enough to go back to school, here are some jokes to make it bearable. For others to old for school, I got nothing. You can still read these jokes, I guess. It’s your choice, really. I can’t stop you, do as you wish

I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don’t think so.

Harry announces his plans to marry a 19 year old stripper on his 75th birthday. His doctor says to him “I think you should reconsider, prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal”.

Harry shrugs his shoulders and says, “If she dies, she dies!”

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?”

The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”

Went out last night for sushi. I love it, but have never been good with chopsticks, so I eat my sushi with my fingers. I was noticing on the way home that every time I smelled my fingers, I remembered what a good time I’d had.

Kind of like high school.

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says “sure” and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy says, “I know, but she has a sweet personality and makes a great lasagna.”

Music to write by #141

Armageddon – 5 Words

DragonHeart – Wonders Of An Ancient Glory

Audiomachine – Nordica

Life’s Simple Truths

There are things in life that you just can’t argue with.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

Music to write by #140

Crimson Tide – 1SQ

The General’s Daughter – Footprints

Gladiator – Earth

So this funny thing happened…

Well, not really. Nothing ever happens to me. I’m like a clam in that regard. So let’s read some jokes instead :-)

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to nail a vegan.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head “yes”. The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head “no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head “yes” to the ladies and “no” to the men. He went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied, “Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife’s dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?”

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”

“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”

After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”

Excitedly Bill asked,  “And that will cure me?”

“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”

If you’re flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement, “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?”

Your answer should always be “Yes”.

Well, if you’re going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Music to write by #139

Bad Boys – Main Theme

Audiomachine – Opus Dei

Braveheart – The Secret Wedding

Another fun collection of wine images – the never ending wine meme

Steve Richer:

Love these!

Originally posted on The Wine Wankers:

wine laughs funny stuff laundry doing it rightAfter the success of Wine… It pairs perfectly with Christmas!A collection of fun wine images and A great collection of wine infographics, I thought I’d create a new post as a way to store away a few more wine funnies that have come our way.

I wish I could credit the brilliant minds behind these but unless it’s on the image that important fact has been lost through time.

The humorous wine memes seem to be never ending. Enjoy! :-P

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