The Don’t-Laugh Challenge

Okay, you got me, there’s no challenge at all. This is just an excuse to make you read these jokes. Have fun :-)

I went up to this fat chic in the pub last night.

“You’re a big lass, aren’t you?” I said.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she replied looking pissed.

“Salad tastes nice.”

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I was seriously drunk the other night. I was sitting at the bar and couldn’t help staring at the only woman seated down from me. I walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped me silly.

I immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

She screamed “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, disgusting, no good drunk!” then stormed out.

“Funny,” I muttered, “you even sound exactly like her!”

A little boy says to his mother,”Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied,  “Don’t even go there! From what I  remember about that party,   you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark!

An Arab man is having paperwork filled out at the DMV.

“Name?”

“Abu Abdalah Sarafi.”

“Sex?”

“Four times a week!”

“No, no! I mean, man or woman?”

“Man, woman, sometimes camels.”

A worried woman asks her doctor: “Since my husband had a heart attack, can he still has sex?”

“Absolutely, ma’am,” the doctor replied. “But only with you because he must never be too excited.”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Hallelujah Jesus! I feel I’ve been born again…

…yes my wife’s vagina is that big.

Springtime jokes!

Warning: These jokes have nothing to do with springtime. Sorry for the confusion. As an apology, here’s a belly laugh or two

A little boy visiting a farm ran to his mother. “Mom, I just saw the rooster mate 10 times this morning!”

The mother snorted. “Go tell your dad, he’ll understand.”

So the kid runs to his father. “Dad, mom said to tell you this morning the rooster mated 10 times. She said you would understand.”

The father nods knowingly. “Were the 10 times with the same chicken?”

“No.”

“Go tell your mom, she’ll understand…”

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

A kid gets hit by the chubby neighborhood lady and the mother wants some explanations.

“Why did you hit my son?”

“Because he doesn’t have any manners, he called me fat.”

“And you think by hitting him you’re gonna lose weight?”

I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my grandma for Sex tonight by mistake.

I meant ‘Tomorrow’.

After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Jeff are getting horny.

“Look,” says Bob, “Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I’m done, I’ll pretend to be a woman for you.”

Jeff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the ass. When it’s over, Jeff asks Bob for his go.

“Fuck off,” Bob replies, “I’ve got a headache.”

My wife has insisted that she will not do anal until I have.

So I nailed her sister up the ass. Her move.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

If God didn’t want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.

Maybe that’s why the T-rex was always so angry.

Guaranteed To Work Pickup Lines

Say these to a lady and you will get laid or your money back! But reading this is free to begin with. See what I did there? ;-)

You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall… is in love with me.

I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way, and you’ll be lovin’ it.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that…your numbers not in it.

It’s a good thing that I have my library card. Why? Because I am totally checking you out!

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.

Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.

You?re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If beauty were time, you?d be eternity.

People call me John, but you can call me Tonight!

See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.

You are so sweet you could put Hershey?s out of business.

Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?

Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Your eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean, and baby I’m lost at sea!

You’re like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You must be a Snickers, because you satisfy me.

Know what’s on the menu? Me-n-u.

If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice Ass!

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutiepie like you!

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

It’s a good thing I wore my gloves today; otherwise, you?d be too hot to handle.

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

Would you sleep with a stranger? [No] Then Hi, my name is…

If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather survive a Zombie Apocalypse with.

There are 20 angels in the world 11 are playing, 8 are sleeping and 1 of them is standing in front of me.

Was your Dad a baker? Because you’ve got a nice set of buns.

If I had a garden I’d put your two lips and my two lips together.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you know karate? Cause your body’s kickin!

I’m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I’m Batman!

I want to tell you your fortune. [Take her hand and write your phone number on it.] Your future is clear.

What do you and the weather have in common? You’re both Hot!

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.

Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

How much does a polar beat weight? Enough to break the ice!

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

Jokes help you survive winter

It’s a proven fact that laughing increases body temperature. Therefore, reading the following is necessary in these harsh winter conditions. I’m doing a public service over here

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

I came home after a night out with work.

“You’re early,” my wife sneered. “I thought you’d be out all night flirting with that slut Tracy.”

“Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there’s no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home.”

“Aww, you do love me really, don’t you…”

“Shut the fuck up and cook me a steak.”

As I gazed upon the newborn baby, and heard its first cry in this world, I reflected that now, finally, I understood what true happiness was.

Knowing the noisy little fuck belonged to someone else.

I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”

What fun that was!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Tried to plug my phone charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like “STOP, I don’t do that!”

A couple is about to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and the woman asks her husband, “My love, what are you gonna get me as a gift?”

“A trip to China,” he says.

“Oh, that’s amazing! If you’re giving me a trip to China for our 25th anniversary, what will you do for our 50th anniversary?”

Straight-faced he says, “I’ll fetch you back.”

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

The Ultimate Nerdy Pick-up Lines

Are you smart enough to get all these? I proudly proclaim that I am not…

1. Would there be any resistance if I took you ohm?
2. I’ve had my ion you for some time.
3. Would kissing you increase global warming and damage the Arctic irreversibly, or is it just enough to break the ice?
4. You’re so hot you denature my proteins.
5. If I was an enzyme I’d be DNA-helicase so I could unzip your genes…
6. You’re so sweet I am developing insulin resistance.
7. Girl, I want to be your differential because then I’d be touching all your curves.
8. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
9. Let’s take you, add me, subtract the clothes, divide your legs and multiply.
10. Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
11. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
12. Seismically speaking, geologists make your bed rock.
13. You are sin2 X and I am cos2 X and together, we are one.
14. I less than three you.
15. Your love is sweeter than 3.14159265…
16. How can I know the 100 digits of Pi and not the 11 of your phone number?
17. You may have 206 bones in your body, but I?ll happily give you another one.
18. I’m not being obtuse, but you’re acute girl.
19. I need some help with my calculus; can you integrate my natural log?
20. Your skin is as smooth as an endoplasmic reticulum.
21. You’re like telophase, I admire your cleavage.
22. Hey baby, want to form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?
23. Hey baby, can I be your enzyme? Because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.
24. Can I plug my solution into your equation?
25. Baby, you turn my floppy disk turn into a hard drive.
26. I think my heart just lagged.
27. You’re so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract. (Muscles that make you smile).
28. I’m POSITIVE I’d like your electron, want to bond?
29. I heard you’re sin because you’re always on top when we make tangent.
30. Hello, I’m Doctor Frankenstein – and I’ve got a monster of a…
31. Looking at you, creationists may have a point after all.
32.Hey baby, I think you are 1/Cos C (Sec C)
33. Your appearance of overall health, fitness, and signals of post-adolescent maturity make you an excellent choice for mating. I am willing to preen myself for an equivalent psycho-biological ritualistic judgment on your behalf. Although I believe that the combination of our DNA would result in the improvement of our species, I am willing to attempt to prevent same through the use of a barrier device.

Ready, get set, laugh!

We shall start the new year with a hefty dose of laughter.

When ordering Domino’s pizza online, it has the option to give the delivery driver special instructions.

Apparently “Pick me up a six-pack on your way over” wasn’t fucking special enough.

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room.

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog, because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”

After surgery, a blonde woman said to her doctor, “So, when can my sex life go back to normal?”

The surgeon frowned. “That’s got to be the first time someone asks me that after tonsils removal.”

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”

He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

What do you get if you hold a twenty dollar note between your chin and your chest?

A good impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.

Just before going to sleep, a young man turns to his new bride and asks, “Sweetheart, how many lovers did you have before me?”

There was no answer, only a long, long silence. Eventually, the husband came closer and whispered, “Sweetheart, are you sleeping?”

“No, I’m counting.”

I don’t have that much money. In fact, all the money I do make I end up giving away to Charity.

It’s a funny name for a stripper but she works hard for it and who am I to judge?

A guy found a penguin on the street so he goes to a policeman. “Officer, what should I do with this penguin?”

“You know, I’m no expert. I guess just take it to the zoo.”

The next day, the cop comes across the guy and the penguin again. “So, did you take it to the zoo?”

“Oh yes! He loved it, now I’m taking him to the movies!”

Happy New Year – Click this link now!

Welcome to 2014!

I wish you a glorious new year filled with happiness dipped in honey, good health and money :-)

If you don’t have enough champagne left from last night for a morning mimosa, I hereby invite you to click this link below. It could save your life!

Go on, click it…

Too Funny! Awkward Band Pictures

Here is a sidesplitting presentation from BuzzFeed featuring 21 Painfully Awkward Band Photos.

Here is what you can expect from this article:

awkward album cover

Awkward? Check. Hilarious? Double check. View the rest of the article here.

Laugh like no one’s watching

It’s been a while since we laughed together. We shall remediate this deficiency forthwith.
———-

A man owns a cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a guy in who’s got Tourette’s, but he can play classics, blues, jazz, “And I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well”, he says.

He plays this really haunting gentle piece.

“What do you call that?”

“The smell of my wife’s cunt. Here’s another fucker.”

And it’s another great piece of music.

“That was: My cock’s up your ass, now wiggle on it bitch” And so on.

He was the best – so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn’t speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and everything was going fine.

One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no panties. After half an hour of looking up and seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to go in the bathroom and masturbate.

He takes a while – there is no music.

The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says, “Get out there and play now or you don’t get paid for tonight.”

So he rushes, gets done, and goes back and starts playing.

One of the waiters sees he hasn’t zipped up and rushes over.

“Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock’s hanging out and there’s come stains all down your leg?”

“Know it? I fucking wrote it!”

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

“Mum, why are wedding dresses white?”

The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” her mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me”

The mother-in-law left; when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing…” he said. “So, what’s for dinner?”

Marriage counselling.

Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she’s being a bitch.

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa, what is couple sex?”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart.” Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

4 out of 5 doctors recommend reading these jokes

It’s a week before Halloween so you need to laugh to make up for the upcoming scares. Go ahead and pretend I actually wrote these jokes…
—–

Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

On Monday I said to my boss, “I have a dentist’s appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?”

“No problem,” he said.

On Friday he pulled me up and said, “What’s this? You’ve put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o’clock on Monday.”

I replied, “I know, I told you I’d make the time up.”

I don’t understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer. I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.

Plus I didn’t even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for sex.”

The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all… My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”

I was trying to explain the concept of google to a christian friend of mine.

“I understand, but why use google when Jesus has all the answers?” He said.

“Fair enough.” I replied, “But I don’t think Jesus will tell me where to find midget porn.”

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work.
He probably hasn’t been sober any time in the last ten years, and he’s only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960′s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald’s and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

My brother was so mean when I was a child.

He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn’t look at them.

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