It’s Joketoberfest!

Let’s drink to that, shall we?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants”?

“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Canadian soldier is better than ten Taliban”.

The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: “One Canadian is better than one hundred Taliban.”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The Canadian calls out again: “One Canadian is better than one thousand Taliban.”

The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought …. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men… it’s A trap. There’s two of them!

30meme down

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

“Maybe you should wait outside whilst I finish examining your dog,” said the vet.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

What does alcohol free beer taste like?

Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something’s not right.

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there’s a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says “What’s that for?”

The guy says “That’s a talking clock. I’ll show you how it works.”

He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says “Hey asshole! It’s 3:15 in the morning!”

My opinions are like my bed sheets.

I only change them if it helps me get laid.

Funny zingers

Pressed for time? Here are some short zingers for you!

My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

31meme yawn

Fall down laughing

Seemed like a good post title, y’know, autumn and alll :-/

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fucking hilarious.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $75?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man’s wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes” the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $75and handed it to her along with a $15 tip.

“Thank you” the blond said, “and by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s an Audi”.


So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships.

In HD was not the correct answer.

You’ve seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute. I’ll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

The king of the cannibals tells the three captured men that there is a way to get off the island if they accomplish a certain task. So the king says to the three men, “Collect ten of any single type of fruit and bring them to me.”

The three men quickly get to work and starts looking for fruits. The first man that returns has 10 bananas and offers them to the king.

But the king tells him, “It’s not over yet. You are to insert all the fruits in your anus without showing any emotions. If you laugh or cry, we will eat you.”

The man hesitates but proceeds to insert the 10 bananas up his anus. 1….2….- But it’s too painful and he cries out of agony. The cannibals eat him instantly.

The second guy that returns has collected 10 cherries. The king also tells him to do the same thing and that the first guy that returned was eaten for crying. The second guy is happy because he is certain he can insert all the cherries in because of their small size. So he proceeds to insert the cherries with ease.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9..- But the second guy starts laughing and the cannibals also eat him.

In heaven, the first and second guy meet and discuss their unbelievable misfortune. Halfway through the conversation the first guy says to the second guy, “I was watching you from up here and I saw that you nearly completed the task but all of a sudden you laughed. Why?”

The which the second guy replies, “I saw the third guy bringing pineapples.”

Short Jokes

Let’s laugh with lightning-quick reflexes, people. Three, two, one, go!

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

2. *SEX*
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

3. *New Book*
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one; I’ll take a copy…”

4. *Poor Lance Armstrong*
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.

5. *Drive By*
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard.

6. *The Agony of Aging*
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked –You’re supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK”.

7. *SCAM*
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes” .
Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

8. *So True*
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

9. *Pregnant Prostitute*
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?”
“For God’s sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

10. *Sex Research* (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

Humor isn’t how I make my money

You wouldn’t know it from looking at my blog but I make my living writing books. It’s funny how I always wind up posting jokes, music, and recipes instead. Therefore, jokes:

Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a____.” Bubba was stumped — he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the teacher wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. that’s so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”

My wife was pissed off with me so she put, “My husband has a tiny cock” on facebook.

It backfired on her though when her sisters, her mother, and her best friends commented, “We know.”

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson’s and the Labatt’s.

I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of those. He didn’t.

By the time I decided he just didn’t like to drink, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

The first time I met a girl on-line, in the course of introductory emails I tried to tactly ask what was “her build”… Her reply was “athletic.”

Then we got together.

It hadn’t occurred to me that athletic could also mean “middle linebacker.”

A teacher was standing at the front of the class and she said, “I’d like you to tell me what you think sex is.”

Little Jenny at the front put her hand up and said, “I saw a doggie on top of another doggie – is that sex, miss?”

“Yes, good girl,” she said.

Then little Paul put his hand up and said, “I saw my mummy jumping up and down on my daddy in bed, is that sex miss?”

“Yes, good boy, Paul.”

And then little Tommy stood up at the back of the class and shouted, “Miss, I was watching telly the other day and I saw seven Indians on top of John Wayne, is that sex?”

The teacher said, “No, Tommy.”

He stood back up and said, “I didn’t think it was.”

The teacher said, “Why didn’t you think it was?”

Tommy stood up again and said, “I knew it would take more than seven indians to fuck John Wayne.”

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, “I won’t be in here long.”

He replied, “Well the judge did give you 6 years.”

“Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she’s never let me finish a fucking sentence before.”

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you”, but the girl said “No”.

Johnny said, ” I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend say’s, “Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.”

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, “The SOB used coins!”

A woman goes to her gynecologist.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked her doctor.

“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas!”

Jolly July Jokes

Jolly July Jokes. Say that 10 times fast. In public. Go on, I dare you! For the others among you who are sane, here are some jokes:

Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.

“Santa Claus??” exclaims the woman,

“Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?” asks Santa.

“Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned.”

Santa replies, “Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone.”

“My goodness!” exclaims the woman. “That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?”

“There is one thing… how about a blowjob?”

“Well… sure!”

The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit. As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman “By the way, how old are you?”

“I’m 27? replies the woman while wiping her mouth.

“You’re 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?” he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.

A Catholic boy goes to confession and tells the priest, “Bless me father, it’s been two months since my last confession. I think of my younger sister whenever I masturbate.”

“That’s a disgrace” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”

He began his series of questions.

Tower: “How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you’re flying upside down??”

Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is now sliding out of my collar.”

I phoned the police the other day.

“What’s your emergency?” they asked.

I said, “Two girls are fighting over me.”

“OK,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”

“The fat one’s winning.”

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

I went to a night club with my friends last night and we all had a $50 bet to see who could fuck the ugliest woman.

After an hour or so they called me on my cell and said, “Where the hell are you?”

I said, “At home with the wife.”

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

I saw on my Facebook news feed that my ex-girlfriend ‘likes’ Comcast Xfinity, and I was pissed.

It hurt enough to be reminded of my ex, but I was more upset that she uses Comcast!

I mean, she never let ME fuck her in the ass!

Let’s offend everyone!

Don’t you just love to equally piss everybody off? So because I’m feeling magnanimous…

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


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