Short Jokes

Let’s laugh with lightning-quick reflexes, people. Three, two, one, go!

1. *SCOTTISH WEDDING*
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

2. *SEX*
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

3. *New Book*
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one; I’ll take a copy…”

4. *Poor Lance Armstrong*
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.

5. *Drive By*
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard.

6. *The Agony of Aging*
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked –You’re supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK”.

7. *SCAM*
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes” .
Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

8. *So True*
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.

9. *Pregnant Prostitute*
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?”
“For God’s sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

10. *Sex Research* (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

Humor isn’t how I make my money

You wouldn’t know it from looking at my blog but I make my living writing books. It’s funny how I always wind up posting jokes, music, and recipes instead. Therefore, jokes:

Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a____.” Bubba was stumped — he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the teacher wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. that’s so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”

My wife was pissed off with me so she put, “My husband has a tiny cock” on facebook.

It backfired on her though when her sisters, her mother, and her best friends commented, “We know.”

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson’s and the Labatt’s.

I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of those. He didn’t.

By the time I decided he just didn’t like to drink, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

The first time I met a girl on-line, in the course of introductory emails I tried to tactly ask what was “her build”… Her reply was “athletic.”

Then we got together.

It hadn’t occurred to me that athletic could also mean “middle linebacker.”

A teacher was standing at the front of the class and she said, “I’d like you to tell me what you think sex is.”

Little Jenny at the front put her hand up and said, “I saw a doggie on top of another doggie – is that sex, miss?”

“Yes, good girl,” she said.

Then little Paul put his hand up and said, “I saw my mummy jumping up and down on my daddy in bed, is that sex miss?”

“Yes, good boy, Paul.”

And then little Tommy stood up at the back of the class and shouted, “Miss, I was watching telly the other day and I saw seven Indians on top of John Wayne, is that sex?”

The teacher said, “No, Tommy.”

He stood back up and said, “I didn’t think it was.”

The teacher said, “Why didn’t you think it was?”

Tommy stood up again and said, “I knew it would take more than seven indians to fuck John Wayne.”

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, “I won’t be in here long.”

He replied, “Well the judge did give you 6 years.”

“Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she’s never let me finish a fucking sentence before.”

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you”, but the girl said “No”.

Johnny said, ” I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend say’s, “Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.”

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, “The SOB used coins!”

A woman goes to her gynecologist.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked her doctor.

“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas!”

Jolly July Jokes

Jolly July Jokes. Say that 10 times fast. In public. Go on, I dare you! For the others among you who are sane, here are some jokes:

Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.

“Santa Claus??” exclaims the woman,

“Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?” asks Santa.

“Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned.”

Santa replies, “Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone.”

“My goodness!” exclaims the woman. “That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?”

“There is one thing… how about a blowjob?”

“Well… sure!”

The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit. As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman “By the way, how old are you?”

“I’m 27? replies the woman while wiping her mouth.

“You’re 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?” he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.

A Catholic boy goes to confession and tells the priest, “Bless me father, it’s been two months since my last confession. I think of my younger sister whenever I masturbate.”

“That’s a disgrace” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”

He began his series of questions.

Tower: “How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you’re flying upside down??”

Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is now sliding out of my collar.”

I phoned the police the other day.

“What’s your emergency?” they asked.

I said, “Two girls are fighting over me.”

“OK,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”

“The fat one’s winning.”

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

I went to a night club with my friends last night and we all had a $50 bet to see who could fuck the ugliest woman.

After an hour or so they called me on my cell and said, “Where the hell are you?”

I said, “At home with the wife.”

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

I saw on my Facebook news feed that my ex-girlfriend ‘likes’ Comcast Xfinity, and I was pissed.

It hurt enough to be reminded of my ex, but I was more upset that she uses Comcast!

I mean, she never let ME fuck her in the ass!

Let’s offend everyone!

Don’t you just love to equally piss everybody off? So because I’m feeling magnanimous…

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Summer is here again, let us rejoice with jokes

Unfortunately, we don’t have that hoverboard from Back to the Future AS WAS PROMISED, DAMMIT! so we’ll have to make do with some jokes…

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. Hmmm… you’re right!”

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I’ve been teasing her about her size.

So I’m going all out to make it up to her tonight…

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favorite show. When she gets in from work I’m going to prepare her favorite dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

A boy comes home from school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes mom – I had sex with my English teacher!” he replied.

The mother is stunned. “Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!”

The dad comes home and hears the news; he’s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That’s right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today – this is a cause for celebration. Let’s get a steak dinner, then I’ll buy you that bike you’ve been asking for.”

“Cool! – but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you, boning your secretary.”

Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs, then?”

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a golfer who lived in a villa on the course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

“Hey you, what’s your name?”

“Dick,” he replied.

“Dick forget your troubles. Come to my villa, I’ll give you good driving lessons and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Dick answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted with a wink.

“Well okay,” Dick finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, and sexy driving and putting lessons, Dick thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Probably still under the cart.”

I was eating my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.

“You’re disgusting!” I said gagging.

“So are you” she snapped. “I’m trying to take a shit, Dave.”

The best smartass retorts

We can’t all be like Oscar Wilde and have witty comebacks on hand for every occasion. But these aren’t too shabby either…
—–

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached,
she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says,
‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

# 1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly…
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies,
‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

May you laugh at these profane jokes

I never met a dirty joke I didn’t enjoy. What about you?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.

“Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened.”

“Yeah it did,” he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife?”

“The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out!”

“What about your friend?” asks the bartender.

“I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”

I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.

“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says,”Your heart, lungs,pulse, and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! No! Just stick out your tongue!”

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.

The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed “I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks.”

The bartender shook his head and replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on vacation.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant: Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… at this point the husband started crying.

Sergeant : Don’t worry sir … We will find your car.

Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife’s clothing.

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