Jokes, is that what you want?

Well you got ‘em! Happy now?

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replies.

The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for?”

“Not exactly,” the boy says. “But they aren’t for me. They’re for my brother – he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either one.”

On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.

This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”

Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”

Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”

Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to fuck off!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted “Fujifoo!”

One of the Japanese men looked at him with a very confused look on his face and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

I went to my friend’s house yesterday and his kids were running all around the house screaming and behaving badly. He looked me square in the face and said, “Don’t ever have kids, buddy.”

I said, “Hard work?”

He said, “No, you’re an ugly bastard.”

You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you’re going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said “How can you tell them apart?”

He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor

It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure! A big thank you for those who serve.

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it Haze Grey inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month. Color choices: Haze Grey or Dark Grey.

Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the “head”). Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub (or shower-stall) and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it “water hours”)

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it “PQS- Qualifications”)

Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it “Morning Muster Call”)

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it “Early-Liberty”)

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as “SHIT-CAN’s”)

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it “Mail Call”)

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it “Movie Call”)

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. (Horse cock = BOLOGNA)

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats = MIDNIGHT RATIONS)

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it “FIRE DRILL”)

Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, “Man overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it “QUARTERDECK WATCH”)

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when it’s 145 down there in front of the boilers, that’s a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.

Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!

Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife’s butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.

Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!

Shout out every time a women comes into your room, “female in quarters”!

Don’t joke about this, they said

Ending the year on a low note with tasteless humor ;-)

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site.

Considering the amount of tissue paper I get through, I’m still not sure that’s environmentally sustainable.

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!”

I looked at her and said, “Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do.”

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

What’s worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?

Having no girlfriend and tits.

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.

I asked the trainer standing next to me, “What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?”

The trainer looked me over and said, “I would recommend the ATM MACHINE in the lobby.”

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, “Your butt’s getting huge. I bet it’s bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.

“I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She replied, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

I always bring a condom with me when I go out for the night.

Unfortunately, it’s always the same one.

An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks inside.

“Nice camel,” says one of his buddies. “Is it male or female?”

“Female,” he replies.

“How can you tell?” asks his friend.

“Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this guy yell, ‘Hey, look at the big pussy on that camel!’”

The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I went back to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

Men Teaching Classes for Women

This is hilarious. Sorry, ladies.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Funny you should ask

Jokes coming right up!

The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye. “You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you’ll ruin what’s left of your liver completely.”

“Fuck off, Doc,” I replied. “You always say that when it’s your round.”

An Army guy was sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says “Marines suck”.

Sure enough, two marines walked up. One of the Marines said, “WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!”

So the Army guy responded, “That’s the first thing I hate about Marines: they can’t read.”

The other Marine growled, “What did you say!?!”

The Army guy responded, “That’s the second thing I hate about Marines: they can’t hear.”

Then the first Marine demanded that they take this outside.

Two minutes later the Army guy walked back into the bar unharmed. The bartender asked him what had happened to the two Marines.

The army guy responded, “That’s the third thing I hate about Marines: they bring knives to gunfights.”

I started going out with my buddy’s ex-girlfriend and he sent me a text the other day:

“Whats it like shagging a girl I’ve already used?”

I replied, “After the first two inches, like a brand new one.”

Husband takes the wife to a club. There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people,the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My friend told me that they are really expensive so I bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’

Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’

The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.’ What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?’

Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’

‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’

Johnny said: ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’

“When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job.” Sue tells her friend Carol. “The day after, it’s all better. You should try it.”

A day later Sue asked Carol if she followed her advice.

“I sure did!” grinned Carol. “And your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”

After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.

“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”

“I don’t know,” the guy replies, shrugging. “My wife told me to stand here.”

24 Puns for the Educated Mind

Feeling smart, do you?

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

So this guy walks into a bar…

…and the bar was too low so he got a concussion and died. The end. Funny? How about these instead…

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says, “I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth”.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

I had a quiet New Year’s Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.

I fucking hate prison.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

So, my wife comes up to me with a dreamy look in her eye and asks, “Why don’t we make love like they do in the movies?”

So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, ate her pussy, fucked her good, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few kilometers further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the barman and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.”

The barman said, “You heartless bastard, he’s only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?”

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