Life’s Simple Truths

There are things in life that you just can’t argue with.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

So this funny thing happened…

Well, not really. Nothing ever happens to me. I’m like a clam in that regard. So let’s read some jokes instead :-)

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to nail a vegan.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head “yes”. The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head “no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head “yes” to the ladies and “no” to the men. He went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied, “Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife’s dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?”

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”

“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”

After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”

Excitedly Bill asked,  “And that will cure me?”

“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”

If you’re flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement, “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?”

Your answer should always be “Yes”.

Well, if you’re going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Summertime is summer joke time

Not hot enough for you? Overheat yourself some more by laughing hard. Or not so hard.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’re gonna love my place…. The grass is almost a foot high.”

A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn’t take it.

So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing — he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He’s pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever.

So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything’s going great; she keeps taking it and he’s loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth.

The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says “Hey, Frank, the dead one’s full again.”

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

A blonde with big knockers always bought dresses that showed off her cleavage. Trying on a particularly low-cut dress she checks with the assistant if she thinks it’s too low.

“Do you have hair on your chest?” the assistant asks.

“Of course not!” replies the blonde.

“Then this dress is far too low.”

Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons.

“So”, he says to them, “My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin; and Gunhild, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property.”

Gunhild replies, “Property? The idiot had a paper route!”

What If Women Had A Penis For A Day

What do you think women would do if they had a penis only for one day? Scientists thought long or hard (get it, long and hard?) and came up with this list of probable answers.

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9…

Time for jokes

Look at the clock. It’s a joke time!

Justin Bieber goes to jail.

He writes “Free JB!” on the wall in protest.

Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Leslie stared at the Mystic woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, and finally, down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as they are the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that’s how most guys feel about kids.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

“That’s disgusting!” shouts the girl.

“It’s the dog,” proclaims the guy.

“Don’t blame him,” she replies, “he was cooked perfectly.”

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu. After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken. The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.”

The ole Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Most annoying movie clichés

So, what are some of the most annoying movie cliches? I didn’t write these, they were found on the Internet and some of them have the proper contribution credit. Please feel free to suggest more in the comment section below!

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Courtesy of Jennifer Pell: Ditto the greens of whole carrots in every shopping bag

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off, but luckily you’ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

16. Every police officer is either incompetent or corrupt…or both.

17. Babysitters are doomed.

18. All the ‘teenagers’ in a school will clearly be in their late twenties.

19. Everyone splits up to hunt for the ghost/monster/serial killer

20. There’s nothing better than running through the woods in the dark, waving torches and shouting “Dave, where are you?” all the time followed by the serial killer.

21. Whenever you go into a bar in a film, the bartender is always polishing glasses. Doesn’t matter if it’s a posh bar or a dodgy one, that’s all he does all the time, polishing glasses.

22. When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

23. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

24. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

25. The Protaganist can always find inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or dead family members.

26. Single parents usually lose their spouse to cancer (and they’re still not over it).

27. James Bond never gets an STD.

28. James Bond also never seems badly affected by the huge amount he drinks – his sexual, gambling and driving prowesses remain intact.

29. Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.

30. Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words.

31. All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through.

32. Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the sports championship.

33. No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase.

34. At least one scientist is from an oriental background.

35. People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don’t appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.

36. Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specialising in one-liners.

37. Bombs are always defused within the last three seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven. NOTE: This doesn’t apply in James Bond, in Gold Finger. He stops it at 007 seconds to go. But he still stubbornly sticks to this cliche of 3 seconds, declaring that “Three more ticks and Mr Goldfinger would’ve hit the jackpot”.

38. Any ‘hunch’ in a detective film is always correct.

39. Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake.

40. There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.

41. When the hero is running and the bad guys are shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit the ground just behind his feet. This is because it’s impossible to swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running.

42. In car chases the hero car just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls), destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people but never actually killing any of them.

43. A scrapbook, containing all the villain’s crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the hero, typically under a bare lightbulb in the killer’s basement.

44. When the lead detective has a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super intelligence and quick thinking abilities.

45. Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.

46. When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.

47. Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it’s always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly.

48. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

49. Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the middle of a crime scene).

50. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.

51. Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit).

52. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

53. Cars always have a set of spare keys in the glovebox.

54. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. None of their cleints – rich or poor – beat them, or abuse them etc. They aren’t heroin addicts or have STDs. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who do not mind at all what the girl does for a living.

55. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

56. One man shooting at 20 men with a handgun has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once with machine guns.

57. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

58. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

59. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

60. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

61. In all martial art movies the hero can beat up 30 ninjas and martial art masters in 5 minutes. But if he smart mouths to his 100 year old grandma, she has the speed to slap him.

62. Courtesy of Jon Groubert: If there is a pool, someone will end up falling into it.

63. If you get hit in the leg or arm with a bullet, even a small calibre one, you just swear briefly, then carry on fighting for ages and walking around without any pain at all, nor do you seem to lose blood. When 12 hours later you go to the doctor, he takes the bullet out instantly, you don’t need the limb amputated / even bandaged. Magic, eh?

64. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: Any couple that fights in the beginning is bound to end up together. This is not just movies, it’s been happening since Much Ado About Nothing.

65. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: The protagonist has a minimalist apartment in a skyscraper with full window walls. He wakes up and stands in the nude, contemplating the city vista.

66. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: The crazy old aunt/bum is actually very intelligent and provides key insight at the last minute.

67. Courtesy of Mihika Kulkarni: Subway/Elevator doors close just as the character reaches them in a mad dash.

68. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

69. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

70. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

71. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

72. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

73. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

74. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

75. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

76. Television news bulletins and radio programmes usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on

The Don’t-Laugh Challenge

Okay, you got me, there’s no challenge at all. This is just an excuse to make you read these jokes. Have fun :-)

I went up to this fat chic in the pub last night.

“You’re a big lass, aren’t you?” I said.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she replied looking pissed.

“Salad tastes nice.”

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I was seriously drunk the other night. I was sitting at the bar and couldn’t help staring at the only woman seated down from me. I walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped me silly.

I immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

She screamed “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, disgusting, no good drunk!” then stormed out.

“Funny,” I muttered, “you even sound exactly like her!”

A little boy says to his mother,”Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied,  “Don’t even go there! From what I  remember about that party,   you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark!

An Arab man is having paperwork filled out at the DMV.

“Name?”

“Abu Abdalah Sarafi.”

“Sex?”

“Four times a week!”

“No, no! I mean, man or woman?”

“Man, woman, sometimes camels.”

A worried woman asks her doctor: “Since my husband had a heart attack, can he still has sex?”

“Absolutely, ma’am,” the doctor replied. “But only with you because he must never be too excited.”

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.

Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Hallelujah Jesus! I feel I’ve been born again…

…yes my wife’s vagina is that big.

Springtime jokes!

Warning: These jokes have nothing to do with springtime. Sorry for the confusion. As an apology, here’s a belly laugh or two

A little boy visiting a farm ran to his mother. “Mom, I just saw the rooster mate 10 times this morning!”

The mother snorted. “Go tell your dad, he’ll understand.”

So the kid runs to his father. “Dad, mom said to tell you this morning the rooster mated 10 times. She said you would understand.”

The father nods knowingly. “Were the 10 times with the same chicken?”

“No.”

“Go tell your mom, she’ll understand…”

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

A kid gets hit by the chubby neighborhood lady and the mother wants some explanations.

“Why did you hit my son?”

“Because he doesn’t have any manners, he called me fat.”

“And you think by hitting him you’re gonna lose weight?”

I hate Auto Correct. I just texted my grandma for Sex tonight by mistake.

I meant ‘Tomorrow’.

After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Jeff are getting horny.

“Look,” says Bob, “Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I’m done, I’ll pretend to be a woman for you.”

Jeff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the ass. When it’s over, Jeff asks Bob for his go.

“Fuck off,” Bob replies, “I’ve got a headache.”

My wife has insisted that she will not do anal until I have.

So I nailed her sister up the ass. Her move.

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

If God didn’t want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.

Maybe that’s why the T-rex was always so angry.

Guaranteed To Work Pickup Lines

Say these to a lady and you will get laid or your money back! But reading this is free to begin with. See what I did there? ;-)

You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall… is in love with me.

I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way, and you’ll be lovin’ it.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If a fat man puts you in a bag at night, don’t worry I told Santa I wanted you for Christmas.

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that…your numbers not in it.

It’s a good thing that I have my library card. Why? Because I am totally checking you out!

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.

Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.

You?re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.

Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

If you were a library book, I would check you out.

If beauty were time, you?d be eternity.

People call me John, but you can call me Tonight!

See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.

You are so sweet you could put Hershey?s out of business.

Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?

Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Your eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean, and baby I’m lost at sea!

You’re like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

You must be a Snickers, because you satisfy me.

Know what’s on the menu? Me-n-u.

If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McGorgeous.

I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back. Nice Ass!

Can you take me to the bakery? Because, I want a Cutiepie like you!

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

It’s a good thing I wore my gloves today; otherwise, you?d be too hot to handle.

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

Would you sleep with a stranger? [No] Then Hi, my name is…

If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather survive a Zombie Apocalypse with.

There are 20 angels in the world 11 are playing, 8 are sleeping and 1 of them is standing in front of me.

Was your Dad a baker? Because you’ve got a nice set of buns.

If I had a garden I’d put your two lips and my two lips together.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you know karate? Cause your body’s kickin!

I’m not trying to impress you or anything, but… I’m Batman!

I want to tell you your fortune. [Take her hand and write your phone number on it.] Your future is clear.

What do you and the weather have in common? You’re both Hot!

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.

Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

How much does a polar beat weight? Enough to break the ice!

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.

Jokes help you survive winter

It’s a proven fact that laughing increases body temperature. Therefore, reading the following is necessary in these harsh winter conditions. I’m doing a public service over here

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

I came home after a night out with work.

“You’re early,” my wife sneered. “I thought you’d be out all night flirting with that slut Tracy.”

“Actually, she invited me back to her place, but I said there’s no point going for a burger when I can have steak at home.”

“Aww, you do love me really, don’t you…”

“Shut the fuck up and cook me a steak.”

As I gazed upon the newborn baby, and heard its first cry in this world, I reflected that now, finally, I understood what true happiness was.

Knowing the noisy little fuck belonged to someone else.

I said to my girlfriend, “Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud.”

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, “By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded.”

What fun that was!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Tried to plug my phone charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like “STOP, I don’t do that!”

A couple is about to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and the woman asks her husband, “My love, what are you gonna get me as a gift?”

“A trip to China,” he says.

“Oh, that’s amazing! If you’re giving me a trip to China for our 25th anniversary, what will you do for our 50th anniversary?”

Straight-faced he says, “I’ll fetch you back.”

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.

I hope it’s Michael – he’s super cute.

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