It’s been a while since we laughed together. We shall remediate this deficiency forthwith.
A man owns a cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a guy in who’s got Tourette’s, but he can play classics, blues, jazz, “And I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well”, he says.
He plays this really haunting gentle piece.
“What do you call that?”
“The smell of my wife’s cunt. Here’s another fucker.”
And it’s another great piece of music.
“That was: My cock’s up your ass, now wiggle on it bitch” And so on.
He was the best – so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn’t speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and everything was going fine.
One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no panties. After half an hour of looking up and seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to go in the bathroom and masturbate.
He takes a while – there is no music.
The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says, “Get out there and play now or you don’t get paid for tonight.”
So he rushes, gets done, and goes back and starts playing.
One of the waiters sees he hasn’t zipped up and rushes over.
“Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock’s hanging out and there’s come stains all down your leg?”
“Know it? I fucking wrote it!”
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
“Mum, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” her mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left; when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. “What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.
“Needs ironing…” he said. “So, what’s for dinner?”
Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she’s being a bitch.
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa, what is couple sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart.” Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
Filed under: funny | Tagged: adult jokes, dirty jokes, Humor, joke, jokes, politically incorrect, sex jokes, sexist jokes | 2 Comments »