One last laugh in 2015

Happy New Joke, everyone :-)
—–

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”

Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls.

One guys says, “I wish I could do that.”

The other guy says, “You better pet him first to make sure he’s friendly.”

35meme dishes

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science. One day the wife of the tribe’s chief gives birth to a white child.

The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look here! You’re the only white man we’ve ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”

The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland’s football victory. Mick, the bartender, says “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy.”

Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on me way then.”

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Shoite, Shoite!”

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. “Bi’Jesus… I’m tanked,” he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says “No way!”

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, “If i can just make it to me bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says, “To hell with it” and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”

Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was tanked’ pissed. But how’d you know?”

“Mick called. You left y’wheelchair at the pub.”

My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.

He said, “Give her a milk bath.”

I said, “Pasteurized?”

The doctor replied, “No, just up to her knees will do.”

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.

The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.

The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead.

“What are you doing?” the Priest asked.

“I don’t know about you,” the Rabbi answered, “but my congregants recognize me by my face.”

Let it joke, let it joke, let it joke!

Snow’s on the ground, laughs all around…
—–

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy’s knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, “Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“What? Why?” asks the guy.

“Because I’m trying to examine your knee.”

I was confused the other day when someone told me I can make ice cubes with left over wine.

What the fuck is “left over wine”?

So a man is crossing the border on a bike and he is holding a bucket filled with sand in his hand. He comes to the police officer and shows him his papers, everything looks good, but the police officer notices the bucket with sand.

“Whats that?” asks the police officer.

“Just sand, nothing special” says the man crossing the border.

The police officer takes a look in the bucket, dips his hand into the sand to see if he is hiding anything, and he doesn’t find anything and lets the man through.

A few days pass and the police officer sees the man on the bike with the bucket again. He senses that something is fishy with that bucket so he takes a real good look; shakes it, puts his whole hand in it and still, nothing. So he lets the man through again.

A few days pass and there he is again – the man riding the bike with the bucket. The police officer is fed up with the bucket at this point. He takes the bucket and throws all the sand on the ground, kicks it, does anything he can think of, and still nothing. He is so fed up he says, “Listen man, i’m sick of this, if you tell me what you are doing here every few days with a bucket of sand, whatever it is, be it smuggling drugs or anything, i’ll let you through, just for gods sake tell me what are you doing!”

The man looks at the police officer and smiles, “Smuggling bikes.”

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

Gloves!!

Just kidding… I don’t know what he got… he hasn’t opened it yet!

34meme edible

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.” the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”

The mailman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up four or five times.”

I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.

And I’m thinking, “Who the fuck’s going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?”

A college professor always started off his lectures by telling an obscene and drity joke to the students.

Finally, two girls got fed up with this and decided to walk out of the classroom the next time he did this. But the proffessor found out about this and the next day he came into his class and began, “Did any of you hear about the whore shortage in Indiana?”

Just then the two girls stomped out of the room.

The proffessor called to them, “Wait girls, the train doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…

I pulled out my cellphone and said, “That’s nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!”

A while ago a new supermarket opened here in town. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions..

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies…….

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

A simple explanation of marketing

Marketing is an essential part of self-publishing. So it was a revelation when I found this. I thought I would share to impart my knowledge ;-)

1. You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

5. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

6. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

8. You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party, this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That’s former President Bill Clinton.

10. You liked it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That’s America!

32meme legs

Fancy a chuckle?

Forget this November rain and laugh at it. Maniacally.
—–

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do.” said the old man. “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”

“Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo and let the Pope take the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. As the trooper approached the limo the front window rolled down and he peered in. Suddenly he said in a flustered voice, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”

The trooper called his boss and explained that he had just pulled over a very important person for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper.

“Who is it? Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief.

“No! This guy is more important! than that”

“Gosh, is it the President?” asked the chief.

“No! Far more important!”

“Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.

“I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope driving his limo.”

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

 

33meme life

“Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day.” Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, “How many drops of water are there in the ocean?”

Naturally, none of the kids have the answer to such an abstract question. The teacher smugly tells them, “I guess we’re all staying, then!”

The next day, the teacher makes the same offer. “Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day.” She slams her hand on her desk for emphasis and asks, “How many grains of sand are there in the desert?”

Naturally, nobody can answer, and the teacher smugly tells them that everybody will be staying. The class nerd decides he’s had enough.

At the end of the day, he gets a fistful of ping-pong balls from the gym, paints them black, and wedges them under the edge of the teacher’s desk so no one will be able to see them.

The next day, the teacher makes her announcement as usual. “Whoever can answer this next question can go home for the day!” And as she slams her hand on the desk, the ping-pong balls are shaken loose and bounce all over the room to the delight of the entire class.

Infuriated, the teacher demands, “All right, who’s the comedian with the black balls?!”

“Eddie Murphy,” says the nerd. “See ya Monday, bitch.”

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick fuck.”

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Edna replied; “He didn’t hang himself; I put him there to dry. Can I go home?”

A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

It’s Joketoberfest!

Let’s drink to that, shall we?
—–

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants”?

“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Canadian soldier is better than ten Taliban”.

The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: “One Canadian is better than one hundred Taliban.”

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The Canadian calls out again: “One Canadian is better than one thousand Taliban.”

The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought …. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men… it’s A trap. There’s two of them!

30meme down

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

“Maybe you should wait outside whilst I finish examining your dog,” said the vet.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

What does alcohol free beer taste like?

Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something’s not right.

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there’s a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says “What’s that for?”

The guy says “That’s a talking clock. I’ll show you how it works.”

He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says “Hey asshole! It’s 3:15 in the morning!”

My opinions are like my bed sheets.

I only change them if it helps me get laid.

Funny zingers

Pressed for time? Here are some short zingers for you!

My wife has been missing for two weeks. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass. Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

31meme yawn

Fall down laughing

Seemed like a good post title, y’know, autumn and alll :-/
—–

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fucking hilarious.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000,” passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: “But this is $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

How do you keep a blonde busy for years?

Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $75?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man’s wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?”

“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.

“Yes” the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $75and handed it to her along with a $15 tip.

“Thank you” the blond said, “and by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s an Audi”.

29meme84284849

So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships.

In HD was not the correct answer.

You’ve seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute. I’ll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

The king of the cannibals tells the three captured men that there is a way to get off the island if they accomplish a certain task. So the king says to the three men, “Collect ten of any single type of fruit and bring them to me.”

The three men quickly get to work and starts looking for fruits. The first man that returns has 10 bananas and offers them to the king.

But the king tells him, “It’s not over yet. You are to insert all the fruits in your anus without showing any emotions. If you laugh or cry, we will eat you.”

The man hesitates but proceeds to insert the 10 bananas up his anus. 1….2….- But it’s too painful and he cries out of agony. The cannibals eat him instantly.

The second guy that returns has collected 10 cherries. The king also tells him to do the same thing and that the first guy that returned was eaten for crying. The second guy is happy because he is certain he can insert all the cherries in because of their small size. So he proceeds to insert the cherries with ease.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9..- But the second guy starts laughing and the cannibals also eat him.

In heaven, the first and second guy meet and discuss their unbelievable misfortune. Halfway through the conversation the first guy says to the second guy, “I was watching you from up here and I saw that you nearly completed the task but all of a sudden you laughed. Why?”

The which the second guy replies, “I saw the third guy bringing pineapples.”

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