Jolly July Jokes. Say that 10 times fast. In public. Go on, I dare you! For the others among you who are sane, here are some jokes:
Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.
“Santa Claus??” exclaims the woman,
“Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?” asks Santa.
“Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned.”
Santa replies, “Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone.”
“My goodness!” exclaims the woman. “That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?”
“There is one thing… how about a blowjob?”
The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit. As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman “By the way, how old are you?”
“I’m 27? replies the woman while wiping her mouth.
“You’re 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?” he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.
A Catholic boy goes to confession and tells the priest, “Bless me father, it’s been two months since my last confession. I think of my younger sister whenever I masturbate.”
“That’s a disgrace” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”
The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”
He began his series of questions.
Tower: “How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??”
Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.
Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you’re flying upside down??”
Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is now sliding out of my collar.”
I phoned the police the other day.
“What’s your emergency?” they asked.
I said, “Two girls are fighting over me.”
“OK,” she paused. “Well what’s the problem?”
“The fat one’s winning.”
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
I went to a night club with my friends last night and we all had a $50 bet to see who could fuck the ugliest woman.
After an hour or so they called me on my cell and said, “Where the hell are you?”
I said, “At home with the wife.”
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
I saw on my Facebook news feed that my ex-girlfriend ‘likes’ Comcast Xfinity, and I was pissed.
It hurt enough to be reminded of my ex, but I was more upset that she uses Comcast!
I mean, she never let ME fuck her in the ass!