Here is a sidesplitting presentation from BuzzFeed featuring 21 Painfully Awkward Band Photos.
Here is what you can expect from this article:
Awkward? Check. Hilarious? Double check. View the rest of the article here.
Here is a sidesplitting presentation from BuzzFeed featuring 21 Painfully Awkward Band Photos.
Here is what you can expect from this article:
Awkward? Check. Hilarious? Double check. View the rest of the article here.
It’s been a while since we laughed together. We shall remediate this deficiency forthwith.
A man owns a cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a guy in who’s got Tourette’s, but he can play classics, blues, jazz, “And I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well”, he says.
He plays this really haunting gentle piece.
“What do you call that?”
“The smell of my wife’s cunt. Here’s another fucker.”
And it’s another great piece of music.
“That was: My cock’s up your ass, now wiggle on it bitch” And so on.
He was the best – so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn’t speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and everything was going fine.
One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no panties. After half an hour of looking up and seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to go in the bathroom and masturbate.
He takes a while – there is no music.
The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says, “Get out there and play now or you don’t get paid for tonight.”
So he rushes, gets done, and goes back and starts playing.
One of the waiters sees he hasn’t zipped up and rushes over.
“Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock’s hanging out and there’s come stains all down your leg?”
“Know it? I fucking wrote it!”
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.
“Mum, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” her mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left; when she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. “What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.
“Needs ironing…” he said. “So, what’s for dinner?”
Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she’s being a bitch.
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him “Grandpa, what is couple sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Eric. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart.” Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
It’s a week before Halloween so you need to laugh to make up for the upcoming scares. Go ahead and pretend I actually wrote these jokes…
Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
On Monday I said to my boss, “I have a dentist’s appointment this afternoon. Can I leave at 2.30 and make up the time later in the week?”
“No problem,” he said.
On Friday he pulled me up and said, “What’s this? You’ve put on your timesheet that you finished at 5 o’clock on Monday.”
I replied, “I know, I told you I’d make the time up.”
I don’t understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer. I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.
Plus I didn’t even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”
“We use it for sex.”
The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”
The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all… My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.”
I was trying to explain the concept of google to a christian friend of mine.
“I understand, but why use google when Jesus has all the answers?” He said.
“Fair enough.” I replied, “But I don’t think Jesus will tell me where to find midget porn.”
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work.
He probably hasn’t been sober any time in the last ten years, and he’s only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960′s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald’s and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
My brother was so mean when I was a child.
He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn’t look at them.
The following jokes were written by geniuses. Be advised that I’m not responsible for ruptured spleens as a result of laughing too hard.
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you’ll be on a constant and very exhausting duty.”
The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”
Allah replied quizingly, “Who told you they were women?”
At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says, “Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body.”
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, “Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood.”
Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says, “You can fuck off.”
I was honored to be best man at my brothers wedding.
There I was making my toast when his bride looked at me oddly and said, “Who the fuck brings a toaster to a wedding?”
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
“Hi, I’m Jane,” she said.
“I’m Christopher,” I replied, “but everyone calls me Dick for short.”
“How do you get Dick from Christopher?” she asked.
“You ask nicely,” I said.
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her knickers.
“Hey!” she said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?”
“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam,” I said sternly. “I don’t fucking work here.”
Walking the wife home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town. As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a homeless guy eating someone’s discarded food from a trashcan.
“Look at that poor fucker, I’m glad I’m not him.”
…he probably thought.
An old man is hobbling his way home through the red light district.
“Hey, Handsome, how about it?”
“You’re joking,” says the 90-year-old, “I just can’t manage it any more.”
“Ah, come on,” says the whore, “it’ll be really nice.”
After a bit of humming and hawing, the old man goes along and when they finally get onto the whore’s bed he rides her like a fucking god, giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out. She can’t believe it when he finally shoots his load and gives her a break.
“Wow, old man,” says the whore, exhausted, “that was such a great fuck. And you said you couldn’t manage it any more?”
“Oh I can still fuck, Honey,” says the old geezer, “it’s just that I can’t pay.”
Today is a somber anniversary and it’s being commemorated everywhere in the media. What helps me go through tough times is comedy. Without further ado, here are some jokes.
My son said, “Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?”
I said, “I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I’d ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her.”
He said, “So what happened?”
I said, “Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your fucking mother.”
What have the mafia and a pussy got in common?
One slip of your tongue and your in deep shit.
I was explaining to my son the importance of keeping your penis clean.
“You lift it up and wash the area underneath thoroughly.”
“How often do I need to do that Dad?” He asked.
“Officially? Every time you bath or shower… Unofficially… Only when you think there’s a genuine opportunity of a blow job.”
I saw a fat chic down the bar, her T-shirt said, “Watch out, I’m a maneater!”
I went up to her and said “Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan.”
She stopped me and angrily said, “Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I’ve eaten?! Well I can’t help my size you know!”
I said “Actually no, I wasn’t going to say that at all.”
She looked happier and smiled as she said, “Okay, what did you want to say then?”
“That’s not how you spell Manatee.”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I was driving down this road and noticed a car in the ditch. I don’t usually help many people so I continued to drive by. Then I noticed that the driver was a very beautiful woman, so I went back to help her out.
As I was hooking my truck to her car I said, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I’ve helped out of a ditch.”
“But I’m not pregnant,” she says.
“Well, you’re not out of the ditch yet,” I replied.
What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 8 beers.
This evening my wife decided that she didn’t want to cook a meal for us both. Her reasoning was that the best chefs in the world are male, so I should cook.
I then explained to her that the best porn stars in the world are female, so I should fuck her up the ass and cum on her face.
As I expected, the pizza arrived 30 minutes later.
I’m a 12-year-old stuck in a 13-year-old’s body so of course I thought these were hilarious. I wish it was the original writer because this is giving me penis envy! *rimshot*
My dick is so big, there’s still snow on it in the summertime.
My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
My dick is so big, it won’t return Spielberg’s calls.
My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
My dick has better credit than I do.
My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It’s now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
My dick is so big, it has casters.
My dick is so big, I’m already fucking a girl tomorrow.
My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbour.
My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
My dick is so big, it lives next door.
My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
My dick is so big, it votes.
My dick is a better dresser than I am.
My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
My dick is so big, Hank Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.
My dick was once the ambassador to China.
My dick is so big, it’s gone condo.
My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn’t want a bigger dick than himself.
My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
It’s so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn’t get wet.
My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn’t so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
My dick is so big, it has investors.
My dick is so big, it seats six.
My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring.
My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
My dick is so big I can fuck an elevator shaft.
My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.
My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.
If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.
My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.
My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.
My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
My dick is so big that we’re all a part of it, and it’s all a part of us.
My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.
My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick’s dick is bigger than your dick.
My dick is so big, you can’t blow me without a ladder.
My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.
My dick is so big, you can ski down it.
My dick is so big, it has elbows.
My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.
My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.
My dick is so big, that right now it’s in the other room fixing us drinks.
My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.
My dick is so big, it’s against the law to fuck me without protective headgear.
My dick is so big, I could fuck a tuba.
My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
My dick is so big, it has its own gravity.
NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.
My dick is so big, it’s impossible to see all of it without a satellite.
The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.
My dick is so big, it has a spine.
My dick is so big, it has a basement.
My dick is so big, movie theatres now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
My dick is more muscular than I am.
My dick is so big it has cable.
My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.
My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.
My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blow job in Tennessee.
My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.
My dick is so big, I can braid it.
My dick is so big, that when it’s Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it’s Central Mountain Time at my balls.
My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.
My dick is so big, I can sit on it.
My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.
My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.
My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wanted to build an amusement park on it.
My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.
My dick is so big, you’re standing on it.
My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.
My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.
My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
My dick is so big, it has an agent.
My dick’s people will call your people. Let’s have lunch with my dick.
My dick is so big, it’s right behind you.
My dick is so big, it has handlebars.
My dick is so big, it only does one show per night.
My dick is so big, my balls have only seen the head in pictures.
My dick is so big, I can only drive convertibles.
My dick is so big, when I get a hard on half my body goes numb.
My dick is so big, when I get a hard on it hits me in the face.
My dick is so big, it put the president on hold for 20 minutes.
My dick is so big, MTV’s Cribs dedicated a whole episode to it.
My dick is so big, I can drive alone and still use the carpool lane.
My dick is so big, it got into Guinness by being the first Mr. Olympia with no arms.
My dick is so big, it seats 10,000.
My dick is so big, it fired Trump.
My dick is so big, it was Vin Diesel’s stunt double in XXX.
My dick is so big, I live in his guest room.
My dick is so big, it has its own cleaning crew.
My dick is so big, Firemen slide down it.
I’ve just seen an advertisement in my local newspaper:
$35,000 – $40,000
So I phoned them up and said, “The answer is -$5,000.”
My wife sidled up to me and leaned forward giving me a good look at her cleavage.
“Have you ever seen a twenty-dollar bill crumpled up in a very interesting way?” she asked.
“No”, I answered.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached deep into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.
“Have you ever seen a fifty-dollar bill all crumpled up?” she asked, and I shook my head.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached under her dress into her panties and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen thirty thousand dollars all crumpled up?”
Intrigued, I slowly shook my head.
“Well,” she said, “go take a look in the garage…”
Women wake up yawning and men with an erection.
I think not.
When I asked my girlfriend if I could fuck her in the ass, she looked at me with a wicked glint in her eye and said, “Baby, I’m happy to try anything you want me to, just so long as you’d be prepared to do it yourself… So, do you still want to fuck me in the ass?”
“Actually, I’ve changed my mind,” I replied. “I want you to have sex with your sister.”
I just explained Google images to my mom.
‘Pick anything to search for’, I said. She replied ‘What about a nice cream pie?’
‘Except that.’ I said.
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off. A passing tramp stops and says, “Since you’re about to kill yourself, if you don’t mind, could we have sex please?”
The woman says, “No, fuck off.”
The tramp turns to leave and replies, “Fine, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”
Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?
I woke up this morning at 8am and could smell something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11.30.
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay?”
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
“I caught my twelve year old son looking up women’s skirts today,” I told the barman after my second whiskey.
“That’s pretty normal for a twelve year old, isn’t it?” he asked.
“Not on eBay it isn’t.” I said.
Bob is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate.
As he gets closer, he sees it’s a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot in shit.
“The poor wee animal,” thinks Bob, so he rushes back to the car and grabs a box of Kleenex to clean up the squirrel.
When he’s finished and the squirrel has skipped back into the undergrowth, another squirrel jumps out of the bush, again completely covered in shit. Bob sets about wiping the shit off this poor squirrel and just as it strolls happily back into the bushes yet another hops out and it’s plastered in shit as well.
“What is going on here?” says Bob, as he starts to clean up the third squirrel.
Suddenly, a voice comes from the bushes:
“Hey! Could I have a couple of those Kleenexes? I’m running out of squirrels.”
My uncle always said, “One in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
He died a virgin.
I saw a Chinese guy supping a pint in my local pub.
I said, “Excuse me, do you know kung fu?”
He said, “Ha ha, vewy funny iz ’cause I am Chinese man?”
I said, “No you idiot, because you’re drinking my pint.”
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That’s a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again…… back and forth… back and forth….. in and out…….
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding….. her face was flushed….. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, “Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!”
My wife seems to think I’ve got “serious mental issues.”
Fucking bitch sounds just like the toaster.
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, “6.”
The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
You shall laugh, you shall cry, you sh– Okay you’ll mostly cry…
We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.
“When it’s time to eat,” she said, “do I say ‘Dinner is ready’ or ‘Dinner is served’?”
I said, “If it’s anything like your usual cooking, just say ‘Dinner is fucked’.”
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager. They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”
Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”
“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very… adventurous.”
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. “Then come in.”
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least in her 50s, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.
“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”
For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the balls, or giving birth.
So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple’s first child, a woman will say, “Let’s have another baby.”
But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his buddy and say, “Tell you what, Dave… Kick me in the nuts again.”
Old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair, lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.
Dentist says “I’m not a Gynecologist.”
“I know,” she says “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
On January 9th, 2012 a group of bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?”
She says, “I’m going to commit suicide.”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.