Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield!

Rodney Dangerfield is a comedy legend. By some accounts he wasn’t a pleasant human being but I choose to remember him for his great one-liners.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor; it was self-service…

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I don’t want to say I am ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

I’m so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go tomorrow…. I didn’t go today.

Back to school and back to laughter

For those young enough to go back to school, here are some jokes to make it bearable. For others to old for school, I got nothing. You can still read these jokes, I guess. It’s your choice, really. I can’t stop you, do as you wish

I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don’t think so.

Harry announces his plans to marry a 19 year old stripper on his 75th birthday. His doctor says to him “I think you should reconsider, prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal”.

Harry shrugs his shoulders and says, “If she dies, she dies!”

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?”

The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”

Went out last night for sushi. I love it, but have never been good with chopsticks, so I eat my sushi with my fingers. I was noticing on the way home that every time I smelled my fingers, I remembered what a good time I’d had.

Kind of like high school.

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says “sure” and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy says, “I know, but she has a sweet personality and makes a great lasagna.”

Life’s Simple Truths

There are things in life that you just can’t argue with.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

So this funny thing happened…

Well, not really. Nothing ever happens to me. I’m like a clam in that regard. So let’s read some jokes instead :-)

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to nail a vegan.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head “yes”. The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head “no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head “yes” to the ladies and “no” to the men. He went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied, “Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife’s dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?”

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”

“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”

After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”

Excitedly Bill asked,  “And that will cure me?”

“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”

If you’re flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement, “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?”

Your answer should always be “Yes”.

Well, if you’re going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Summertime is summer joke time

Not hot enough for you? Overheat yourself some more by laughing hard. Or not so hard.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’re gonna love my place…. The grass is almost a foot high.”

A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn’t take it.

So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing — he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He’s pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever.

So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything’s going great; she keeps taking it and he’s loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth.

The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says “Hey, Frank, the dead one’s full again.”

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. “So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through. “The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

A blonde with big knockers always bought dresses that showed off her cleavage. Trying on a particularly low-cut dress she checks with the assistant if she thinks it’s too low.

“Do you have hair on your chest?” the assistant asks.

“Of course not!” replies the blonde.

“Then this dress is far too low.”

Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons.

“So”, he says to them, “My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin; and Gunhild, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she says, “Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property.”

Gunhild replies, “Property? The idiot had a paper route!”

What If Women Had A Penis For A Day

What do you think women would do if they had a penis only for one day? Scientists thought long or hard (get it, long and hard?) and came up with this list of probable answers.

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9…

Time for jokes

Look at the clock. It’s a joke time!

Justin Bieber goes to jail.

He writes “Free JB!” on the wall in protest.

Then learns cellmate is dyslexic.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Leslie stared at the Mystic woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, and finally, down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

Kids are not as interested in the actual toy as they are the box that it came out of.

Which is weird because that’s how most guys feel about kids.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

“That’s disgusting!” shouts the girl.

“It’s the dog,” proclaims the guy.

“Don’t blame him,” she replies, “he was cooked perfectly.”

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu. After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, to continue on it’s journey, drink orders were taken. The Flight Attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink? The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen harlots than let liquor touch my lips.”

The ole Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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