Let’s offend everyone!

Don’t you just love to equally piss everybody off? So because I’m feeling magnanimous…

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Summer is here again, let us rejoice with jokes

Unfortunately, we don’t have that hoverboard from Back to the Future AS WAS PROMISED, DAMMIT! so we’ll have to make do with some jokes…

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. Hmmm… you’re right!”

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I’ve been teasing her about her size.

So I’m going all out to make it up to her tonight…

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favorite show. When she gets in from work I’m going to prepare her favorite dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

A boy comes home from school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes mom – I had sex with my English teacher!” he replied.

The mother is stunned. “Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!”

The dad comes home and hears the news; he’s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That’s right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today – this is a cause for celebration. Let’s get a steak dinner, then I’ll buy you that bike you’ve been asking for.”

“Cool! – but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you, boning your secretary.”

Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs, then?”

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a golfer who lived in a villa on the course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

“Hey you, what’s your name?”

“Dick,” he replied.

“Dick forget your troubles. Come to my villa, I’ll give you good driving lessons and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Dick answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted with a wink.

“Well okay,” Dick finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, and sexy driving and putting lessons, Dick thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Probably still under the cart.”

I was eating my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.

“You’re disgusting!” I said gagging.

“So are you” she snapped. “I’m trying to take a shit, Dave.”

The best smartass retorts

We can’t all be like Oscar Wilde and have witty comebacks on hand for every occasion. But these aren’t too shabby either…
—–

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached,
she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says,
‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

# 1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly…
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies,
‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

May you laugh at these profane jokes

I never met a dirty joke I didn’t enjoy. What about you?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.

“Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened.”

“Yeah it did,” he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife?”

“The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out!”

“What about your friend?” asks the bartender.

“I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”

I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.

“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says,”Your heart, lungs,pulse, and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! No! Just stick out your tongue!”

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.

The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed “I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks.”

The bartender shook his head and replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on vacation.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant: Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… at this point the husband started crying.

Sergeant : Don’t worry sir … We will find your car.

Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife’s clothing.

Funny how? I’m here to amuse you?

No day can start on the wrong foot with a Goodfellas reference, right? Here are some jokes…

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked a blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24? waist and 34? hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.

The baker said, “We aren’t a butcher; we don’t sell meat here.”

So the duck left. The following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, “No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor.”

The following day the duck returned and asked, “Have you any nails?”

The baker replied, “No.”

And the duck said, “Well, I’ll have two pork chops then.”

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter’s morning;

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back;

“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

“Computer really fucked now.”

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

An older fellow in his 70s, sitting a couple of stools down, overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that.”

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my butt, he said:

“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”

“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

Children Are Quick

Funny quips from kids to teachers found online…

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Springtime, spring for jokes

It’s been a while since you’ve laughed, I can FEEL it!

I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after a beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she also needs some tampons.”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With this last breath John said, “I do!”

I was arguing with the missus the other day, all I said was “fuck off and die”.

She stormed out and a couple hours later I got a phone call from the police, “We’re sorry to inform you sir but your partner has been found dead, we think she jumped from the bridge”.

Don’t get me wrong it’s sad, but I won that argument and a win’s a win.

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

I’ve just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber recently during an argument at a nightclub in Spain. Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore afterwards.

Apparently, the entire nightclub had lined up to high-five him.

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, “Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?”

Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” says Jerry. “But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?”

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, “I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it.”

My dog had been ill and after a trip to the vets, I went to the pharmacy for his medicine.

“Fucking hell.” Said the chemist, studying the paper. “Was the vet Chinese or something?”

“Actually, yeah.” I chuckled. “Is it illegible?”

“No, it’s a recipe.”

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