So this guy walks into a bar…

…and the bar was too low so he got a concussion and died. The end. Funny? How about these instead…

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says, “I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth”.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

I had a quiet New Year’s Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.

I fucking hate prison.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

So, my wife comes up to me with a dreamy look in her eye and asks, “Why don’t we make love like they do in the movies?”

So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, ate her pussy, fucked her good, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few kilometers further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the barman and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.”

The barman said, “You heartless bastard, he’s only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?”

Are Men Happier People?

After considerable scientific studies, we still wonder who is the luckiest gender. Witness the evidence:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bro and Butthead.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

Okay, you probably have. The last original joke I heard was when I was a toddler. But bear with me, I make a living writing these posts. Actually, no I don’t. Here are some jokes anyway…

I always thought my mate Dave was gay, but then I saw him with a really fit redhead a few times.

I asked him with a smirk, “Soooo, does the carpet match the drapes?”

“No they don’t.” he said, “And don’t even get me started on the rest of her hideous decor.”

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in a hospital’s ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous Nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I’d been in a serious accident. She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

I managed to mumble in reply, “So, I Can feel your tits then?”

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, “Hey, don’t blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!”

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a fucking life sentence, OKAY?!”

What’s the first thing a redneck girl says after losing her virginity?

“Get off me, Daddy! You’re crushin’ my cigarettes.”

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield!

Rodney Dangerfield is a comedy legend. By some accounts he wasn’t a pleasant human being but I choose to remember him for his great one-liners.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor; it was self-service…

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly… they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I don’t want to say I am ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! …When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness…AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said…”Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

I’m so old, I could go tomorrow. As a matter of fact, I hope I do go tomorrow…. I didn’t go today.

Back to school and back to laughter

For those young enough to go back to school, here are some jokes to make it bearable. For others to old for school, I got nothing. You can still read these jokes, I guess. It’s your choice, really. I can’t stop you, do as you wish

I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don’t think so.

Harry announces his plans to marry a 19 year old stripper on his 75th birthday. His doctor says to him “I think you should reconsider, prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal”.

Harry shrugs his shoulders and says, “If she dies, she dies!”

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?”

The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now… The 45th bus just went by!”

Went out last night for sushi. I love it, but have never been good with chopsticks, so I eat my sushi with my fingers. I was noticing on the way home that every time I smelled my fingers, I remembered what a good time I’d had.

Kind of like high school.

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says “sure” and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy says, “I know, but she has a sweet personality and makes a great lasagna.”

Life’s Simple Truths

There are things in life that you just can’t argue with.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

So this funny thing happened…

Well, not really. Nothing ever happens to me. I’m like a clam in that regard. So let’s read some jokes instead :-)

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,

and I’ll show you a man who’s trying to nail a vegan.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head “yes”. The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head “no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head “yes” to the ladies and “no” to the men. He went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied, “Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife’s dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, “That mule for sale?”

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.

When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.”

“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?”

After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.”

Excitedly Bill asked,  “And that will cure me?”

“No,” replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.”

If you’re flying on an aircraft and your hear the infamous announcement, “Does anyone know how to fly a plane?”

Your answer should always be “Yes”.

Well, if you’re going to die, you may as well die flying a jumbo jet.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,016 other followers