…and the bar was too low so he got a concussion and died. The end. Funny? How about these instead…
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says, “I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest bitch on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
I had a quiet New Year’s Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night.
I fucking hate prison.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”
So, my wife comes up to me with a dreamy look in her eye and asks, “Why don’t we make love like they do in the movies?”
So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, ate her pussy, fucked her good, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.
Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.
A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few kilometers further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.
The tourist turned to the barman and said, “What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone.”
The barman said, “You heartless bastard, he’s only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?”