Audiomachine – Lost Raiders

Handel – Largo from ‘Xerxes’

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

“When it’s time to eat,” she said, “do I say ‘Dinner is ready’ or ‘Dinner is served’?”

I said, “If it’s anything like your usual cooking, just say ‘Dinner is fucked’.”

—

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager. They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”

Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”

“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very… adventurous.”

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. “Then come in.”

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least in her 50s, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.

“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”

For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the balls, or giving birth.

So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple’s first child, a woman will say, “Let’s have another baby.”

But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his buddy and say, “Tell you what, Dave… Kick me in the nuts again.”

—

Old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair, lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.

Dentist says “I’m not a Gynecologist.”

“I know,” she says “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

On January 9th, 2012 a group of bikers were riding west when they saw a girl about to jump off Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?”

She says, “I’m going to commit suicide.”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, “Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!  That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

The Saint – Love Theme 2nd Version

Two Steps From Hell – Ironwing

I met a blonde in a club last night and I asked, “What’s your name?”

“It’s K,” she replied.

“That’s sexy,” I said, “What’s it short for?”

She smiled and answered, “So I can spell it.”

—

My mate just said, “What’s your favourite mythical creature?”

I said, “Those happy women in Tampax adverts.”

—

Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. “What’s the matter?” Bob asked.

“I’ve been transferred to Detroit , there are crazy people there. They’ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Jack replied, “Nonsense! I’ve lived in Detroit all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It’s as safe a place as anywhere in the world.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

The contractor who’s supposed to be building my room addition hasn’t done shit in 4 months.

Apparently, when he promised he’d be as busy as a beaver, he meant Susan Boyle’s.

—

Mike and Bob are swimming when they see a pregnant woman drowning. They quickly pull her to safety.

Mike starts giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Bob takes off the woman’s panties and puts his mouth on her pussy.

Mike says, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

Bob replies, “You save the mother, I’ll save the child!”

—

I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass.

The fucking dog had dug her up again.

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, “How you doin’?”

Paddy says, “Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.”

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.”

They say, “Get away with ya…. prove it.”

Mick shouts downstairs, “Paddy, both of em?”

Paddy shouts back, “Of course both of em, what’s the point of fuckin’ one?”

Audiomachine – Oedipus Rex

Grieg – The Morning (Peer Gynt)

Six Days Seven Nights – Maketea

E.S. Posthumus – Selisona Pi

Reblogged from :

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I'd like your mouth to meet someone special today. Meet the bacon-wrapped hot dog sandwich known as the Big Boy. I think you are going to be great friends.

I found the recipe for Bacon Big Boys in my copy of the 1968 Better Homes and Garden cookbook Cooking For Two. There are a lot of really unfortunate recipes in this cookbook, like the broccoli ham abomination on the front cover.

Read more… 208 more words

Two Steps From Hell – Racketeers

Dvorak – New World Symphony (4th Movement)

Slumdog Millionaire – Latika’s Theme

Audiomachine – Battle of the Kings

You need jokes, I provide jokes

I met a blonde in a club last night and I asked, “What’s your name?”

“It’s K,” she replied.

“That’s sexy,” I said, “What’s it short for?”

She smiled and answered, “So I can spell it.”

—

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of some co-workers.

They all hang together, half of the fuckers don’t work, and the ones that do aren’t that bright.

A dog lover, whose dog was a female ‘in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as sometimes happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked on me,” he replied.

—

My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm during sex, sometimes she would orgasm three or four times.

I didn’t mind so much until I found out she was faking them.

Jewish girl on the phone to her mother says “I’ve had enough I want to divorce my husband.”

“Why?” mom asks. “You have a nice house, a big car, two beautiful children, $3,000 a week to spend and 6 holidays a year, so why divorce him?”

The daughter replies “All he ever wants is Anal sex, when I married him my ass was like a dime, now its more like a half-dollar!”

“My god,” said mom “You’re divorcing him over forty cents?”

—

I own Call of Duty Modern Warfare, World at War, Modern Warfare 2 and Black Ops, so deciding what I wanted for Christmas was easy.

I really want to get laid.