Music to write by #152

Tron Legacy – Daft Punk – Outlands

Transformers – Bumblebee Captured

Shrek – True Love’s First Kiss

How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor

It’s not just a job, it’s an adventure! A big thank you for those who serve.

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it Haze Grey inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month. Color choices: Haze Grey or Dark Grey.

Renovate your bathroom (and henceforth always refer to it as the “head”). Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub (or shower-stall) and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take a shower, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. (Wet down, turn off water, soap down, Turn on water rinse down! Navy Shower) (Hollywood Showers are showers that last more than one(1) Minute)

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

Disassemble and inspect your lawn-mower every week.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed. (call it “water hours”)

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in. Put all your clothes under your mattress to press them!

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. (call it “PQS- Qualifications”)

Have your neighbor come over each day at 6 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you. (call it “Morning Muster Call”)

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm. (call it “Early-Liberty”)

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Stop referring to the garbage bins as “SHIT-CAN’s”)

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you. (call it “Mail Call”)

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one. (call it “Movie Call”)

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs or a horse cock sandwich . Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs. (Horse cock = BOLOGNA)

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich OR HORSE COCK on stale bread. (Midrats = MIDNIGHT RATIONS)

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose. (call it “FIRE DRILL”)

Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, “Man overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox. (SOUND-POWERED TELEPHONES)

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. (call it “QUARTERDECK WATCH”)

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket and a bucket so you can puke in it.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking. Or go to boiler room for some BT (Boiler Tech) coffee made from feed water, nasty tasting stuff, but you get used to it, drinking hot coffee when it’s 145 down there in front of the boilers, that’s a cool day! In the Persian Gulf it gets hotter!

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears, and tell the barber just a little off the sides.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house because you failed inspection, or you have ORI coming up.

Have you wife press your skivvies, no starch!

Get drunk and wind up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on your wife’s butt cheeks or a Choo Choo train coming out your butt hole.

Eat your meal in less than 5 minutes to keep in practice, chewing not required!

Shout out every time a women comes into your room, “female in quarters”!

New book released – and it’s #free right now!

Sigma DivisionIt’s been hard watching my many fans picketing my house, clamoring for a new book day after day, some of them ripping their clothes off to entice me. Okay, I may be exaggerating. The “ripping clothes off” part might have been in my head. But the rest? Totally happened ;-)

And so I unleash upon the world a brand-new book!

It’s a fast-paced thriller dealing with assassins, conspiracies, secret government research, you know, regular Washington stuff.

Sigma Division is only available on Amazon and for the next few days it’s completely and utterly free. So even if you don’t intend to read it, why don’t you pick up a copy anyway and help me out!

Click here to get the book today.

Music to write by #151

Titanic – A Life So Changed

Spirit – The Long Road Back

Terminator Salvation – Salvation

Don’t joke about this, they said

Ending the year on a low note with tasteless humor ;-)

Porn Hub has pledged to plant a new tree for every hundred videos viewed on its site.

Considering the amount of tissue paper I get through, I’m still not sure that’s environmentally sustainable.

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!”

I looked at her and said, “Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do.”

I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

What’s worse than having a girlfriend with no tits?

Having no girlfriend and tits.

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.

I asked the trainer standing next to me, “What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?”

The trainer looked me over and said, “I would recommend the ATM MACHINE in the lobby.”

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day when the man looked over at his wife and said, “Your butt’s getting huge. I bet it’s bigger than the barbecue.”

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her butt.

“I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband felt a little frisky. He made some advances toward her, but she completely brushed him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She replied, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

I always bring a condom with me when I go out for the night.

Unfortunately, it’s always the same one.

An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks inside.

“Nice camel,” says one of his buddies. “Is it male or female?”

“Female,” he replies.

“How can you tell?” asks his friend.

“Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this guy yell, ‘Hey, look at the big pussy on that camel!’”

The wife has been missing a week now.

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I went back to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

Music to write by #150 – Merry Christmas!

Trans-Siberian Orchestra – Christmas Canon

Classical Christmas Medley

Hark The Herald Angels Sing

Men Teaching Classes for Women

This is hilarious. Sorry, ladies.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,055 other followers