Let’s offend everyone!

Don’t you just love to equally piss everybody off? So because I’m feeling magnanimous…

I’d just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said ‘sorry about the wait’. I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually’.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black’.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance’, with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Mexicans” were NOT the correct answers.

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Music to write by #163

Pleasantville – Real Rain

Remember the Titans – The Hospital

Transformers 3 – It’s Our Fight

Summer is here again, let us rejoice with jokes

Unfortunately, we don’t have that hoverboard from Back to the Future AS WAS PROMISED, DAMMIT! so we’ll have to make do with some jokes…

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. Hmmm… you’re right!”

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I’ve been teasing her about her size.

So I’m going all out to make it up to her tonight…

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favorite show. When she gets in from work I’m going to prepare her favorite dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.

A boy comes home from school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes mom – I had sex with my English teacher!” he replied.

The mother is stunned. “Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!”

The dad comes home and hears the news; he’s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That’s right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today – this is a cause for celebration. Let’s get a steak dinner, then I’ll buy you that bike you’ve been asking for.”

“Cool! – but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you, boning your secretary.”

Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.

The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs, then?”

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a golfer who lived in a villa on the course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

“Hey you, what’s your name?”

“Dick,” he replied.

“Dick forget your troubles. Come to my villa, I’ll give you good driving lessons and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Dick answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted with a wink.

“Well okay,” Dick finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, and sexy driving and putting lessons, Dick thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Probably still under the cart.”

I was eating my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.

“You’re disgusting!” I said gagging.

“So are you” she snapped. “I’m trying to take a shit, Dave.”

Music to write by #162

Robin Hood – Sherwood Forest

Plunkett & Macleane – Business, Chances Men & Revelations

Point Break – Skydive

When I die I want to be remembered for this book #FREE

The President Killed His WifeThe best novel I ever wrote is here: The President Killed His Wife!

If the title isn’t it intriguing enough, here’s a little bit about the story. Rogan Bricks is a second-rate FBI agent living in Alaska where he’s happy to be away from the limelight. Former special ops and independently VERY wealthy, he finds himself being summoned to Washington to lead the investigation after the US President kills his wife on live TV.

It’s got action, international intrigue, sharp dialogue, and many MANY twists. I’m really proud of this novel.

Until Thursday June 11 I’m giving me away for FREE because I want everybody to read it. It’s in paperback and also in Kindle Unlimited so if you’re a member for you it will always be free.

GET YOUR COPY NOW!

The best smartass retorts

We can’t all be like Oscar Wilde and have witty comebacks on hand for every occasion. But these aren’t too shabby either…
—–

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached,
she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says,
‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

# 1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR !

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly…
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies,
‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

Music to write by #161

Remember the Titans – T.C. Williams

Transformers 3 – I Promise

Titanic – Never An Absolution

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