Funny how? I’m here to amuse you?

No day can start on the wrong foot with a Goodfellas reference, right? Here are some jokes…

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked a blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24? waist and 34? hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.

The baker said, “We aren’t a butcher; we don’t sell meat here.”

So the duck left. The following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, “No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor.”

The following day the duck returned and asked, “Have you any nails?”

The baker replied, “No.”

And the duck said, “Well, I’ll have two pork chops then.”

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter’s morning;

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back;

“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

“Computer really fucked now.”

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

An older fellow in his 70s, sitting a couple of stools down, overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that.”

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my butt, he said:

“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”

“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

The results are in! Check out this crazy awesome cover

The Atomic EagleLast week I asked you to chime in about possible new artwork for The Atomic Eagle and it was a close race.

Well, I went with the fan favorite, a wonderful design from Coverdesign Tatlin.net; check it out!

And keep an eye out for the rerelease of the novel :-)

Help me choose a book cover!

I’m republishing an older book with a brand-new original cover; it’s a World War II action/adventure.

Help me choose the best one by clicking below!

What’s your favorite book cover? Which one would make you do a double-take?

This is a very quick poll, you just have to click the image below and choose a star rating. And if you stay tuned, I’ll let you know when you can get the book for free :-)

cover pollThanks!

Music to write by #158

Requiem for a Dream – Lord of the Rings remix

Robin Hood – Merry Men

Rudy – The Final Game

Children Are Quick

Funny quips from kids to teachers found online…

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Music to write by #157

Remember the Titans – The Game

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace – The Parade Victory Parade

Shrek – True Love’s First Kiss

Springtime, spring for jokes

It’s been a while since you’ve laughed, I can FEEL it!

I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after a beer and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she also needs some tampons.”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” John said, “I want you to marry Bob.”

“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With this last breath John said, “I do!”

I was arguing with the missus the other day, all I said was “fuck off and die”.

She stormed out and a couple hours later I got a phone call from the police, “We’re sorry to inform you sir but your partner has been found dead, we think she jumped from the bridge”.

Don’t get me wrong it’s sad, but I won that argument and a win’s a win.

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

I’ve just read that actor Orlando Bloom punched Justin Bieber recently during an argument at a nightclub in Spain. Orlando complained that his hand was pretty sore afterwards.

Apparently, the entire nightclub had lined up to high-five him.

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, “Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?”

Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up.

The guy tells Jerry, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” says Jerry. “But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?”

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, “I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it.”

My dog had been ill and after a trip to the vets, I went to the pharmacy for his medicine.

“Fucking hell.” Said the chemist, studying the paper. “Was the vet Chinese or something?”

“Actually, yeah.” I chuckled. “Is it illegible?”

“No, it’s a recipe.”

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