May you laugh at these profane jokes

I never met a dirty joke I didn’t enjoy. What about you?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.

“Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened.”

“Yeah it did,” he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”

The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife?”

“The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out!”

“What about your friend?” asks the bartender.

“I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”

I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.

“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says,”Your heart, lungs,pulse, and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! No! Just stick out your tongue!”

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.

The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed “I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks.”

The bartender shook his head and replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on vacation.

Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant: Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… at this point the husband started crying.

Sergeant : Don’t worry sir … We will find your car.

Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife’s clothing.

Music to write by #160

Tomb Raider Cradle of Life – Opening

Robin Hood – Pact Sworn In Blood

The Way Of The Gun – End Titles

Slow-cooked Chinese Style Braised Beef

Originally posted on droolfactor:

Just taking a break from my greek food trail. Here’s a recipe which I recently tried and loved. Bonus feature – worked very well in my slow-cooker, which meant chucking in the good stuff in the morning before work, and returning to find a simmering pot of five-spiced infused, melt-in-the-mouth braised beef. Fab!

This dish is similar in flavour to the commonly found braised beef brisket in Chinese restaurants. Often served in a claypot or as a single meal with steamed rice. The base of this dish is a fragrantly spiced beef stock – seasoned with soy sauce and the wonderful natural juices of braised beef, ginger and spring onions.

Wonderful and warming – perfect for a cool evening.

Slow-cooked Chinese style braised beef
Adapted from BBC Good Food

  • 3-4 tbsp vegetable oil
  • 6 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
  • good thumb-size piece fresh ginger, peeled and shredded
  • 1 bunch spring onion…

View original 277 more words

Music to write by #159

Transformers – Skorpinok

Romeo & Juliet – Balcony Scene

Remember the Titans – Virginia

Looking for a #FREE rip-roaring #WWII adventure?

The Atomic EagleThe Atomic Eagle is now available!

It’s free until Thursday April 30, 2015 – and free all the time with Kindle Unlimited.

Don’t pass this up and help me out by snagging a copy. It’s filled with action and suspense, explosions and fights, international intrigue and just plain fun :-)

GET IT NOW!

Funny how? I’m here to amuse you?

No day can start on the wrong foot with a Goodfellas reference, right? Here are some jokes…

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked a blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24? waist and 34? hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so?”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.

The baker said, “We aren’t a butcher; we don’t sell meat here.”

So the duck left. The following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, “No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor.”

The following day the duck returned and asked, “Have you any nails?”

The baker replied, “No.”

And the duck said, “Well, I’ll have two pork chops then.”

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter’s morning;

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back;

“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

“Computer really fucked now.”

I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy, “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”

An older fellow in his 70s, sitting a couple of stools down, overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that.”

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my butt, he said:

“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”

“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

The results are in! Check out this crazy awesome cover

The Atomic EagleLast week I asked you to chime in about possible new artwork for The Atomic Eagle and it was a close race.

Well, I went with the fan favorite, a wonderful design from Coverdesign Tatlin.net; check it out!

And keep an eye out for the rerelease of the novel :-)

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