Skyfall – Komodo Dragon
Titanic – Rose
Tron Legacy – Daft Punk – The Game Has Changed
Behold, I have brought jokes.
The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the ‘chrome-plated Christian fish emblem’ on the trunk, so naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”
“Doctor, won’t you please kiss me?” asks the patient.
“No. You’re a very beautiful woman, but it’s against my code of ethics,” replies the doctor.
“Please, just one kiss,” she pleads.
“Sorry,” says the doctor. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”
A woman in a supermarket rushes to the express line with a few items. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she says, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?”
The clerk turns, looks her up and down, and says, “Nice tits.”
A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser’s. The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair.
“Now wait here when your finished, I’m just off to do some shopping.” says the man and leaves without paying.
Two hours later, the little lad’s still waiting, when the barber says, “I think your dad’s forgotten you”.
The little lad says, “He’s not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut”.
My buddy asked, “If it was between having sex with a dog or having sex with a cat, which would you choose?”
I promptly said, “A dog.”
He asked, “Why?”
I replied, “Because their dicks are bigger.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied…
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
I got a woman back to my place last night. The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture. “Is this your wife?” she frowned.
“Yes, it is,” I replied. “She passed away.”
“How sad,” she sighed. “How did your sons take it?”
“I haven’t told them yet,” I replied. “They stayed at their grandma’s last night.”
I love these little musings :-) Some of these I’ve featured before but let’s pretend they’re new to you, okay?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… Floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
Well you got ‘em! Happy now?
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replies.
The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for?”
“Not exactly,” the boy says. “But they aren’t for me. They’re for my brother – he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can’t do either one.”
On average, British couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.
This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “But father he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to fuck off!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted “Fujifoo!”
One of the Japanese men looked at him with a very confused look on his face and said, “No, you got the right hole.”
I went to my friend’s house yesterday and his kids were running all around the house screaming and behaving badly. He looked me square in the face and said, “Don’t ever have kids, buddy.”
I said, “Hard work?”
He said, “No, you’re an ugly bastard.”
You pick up a hitchhiker… A beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital. Now that’s stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you’re going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says the test shows you’re infertile, and probably have been since birth. You’re extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.
A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said “How can you tell them apart?”
He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”