Unfortunately, we don’t have that hoverboard from Back to the Future AS WAS PROMISED, DAMMIT! so we’ll have to make do with some jokes…
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. Hmmm… you’re right!”
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I’ve been teasing her about her size.
So I’m going all out to make it up to her tonight…
I’ve got a good bottle of wine and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favorite show. When she gets in from work I’m going to prepare her favorite dinner, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
A boy comes home from school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?”
“Yes mom – I had sex with my English teacher!” he replied.
The mother is stunned. “Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!”
The dad comes home and hears the news; he’s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”
“That’s right, Dad.”
“Well, you became a man today – this is a cause for celebration. Let’s get a steak dinner, then I’ll buy you that bike you’ve been asking for.”
“Cool! – but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”
The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”
The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you, boning your secretary.”
Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.
The nurse gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your boobs, then?”
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a golfer who lived in a villa on the course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
“Hey you, what’s your name?”
“Dick,” he replied.
“Dick forget your troubles. Come to my villa, I’ll give you good driving lessons and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Dick answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted with a wink.
“Well okay,” Dick finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, and sexy driving and putting lessons, Dick thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Probably still under the cart.”
I was eating my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.
“You’re disgusting!” I said gagging.
“So are you” she snapped. “I’m trying to take a shit, Dave.”
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