I never met a dirty joke I didn’t enjoy. What about you?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
“Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened.”
“Yeah it did,” he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife?”
“The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out!”
“What about your friend?” asks the bartender.
“I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”
I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.
“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says,”Your heart, lungs,pulse, and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No! No! No! Just stick out your tongue!”
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed “I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks.”
The bartender shook his head and replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on vacation.
Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… at this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don’t worry sir … We will find your car.
Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she fits in your wife’s clothing.