Remember the Titans – Theme
Pirates of the Caribbean 3 – What Shall We Die For
Pearl Harbor – Attack
Let’s laugh with lightning-quick reflexes, people. Three, two, one, go!
1. *SCOTTISH WEDDING*
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
3. *New Book*
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?”
She replies, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one; I’ll take a copy…”
4. *Poor Lance Armstrong*
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my frig’n bike.
5. *Drive By*
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Bastard.
6. *The Agony of Aging*
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked –You’re supposed to turn your CLOCK BACK”.
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes” .
Turns out it’s about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.
8. *So True*
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.
9. *Pregnant Prostitute*
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “Do you know who the father is?”
“For God’s sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
10. *Sex Research* (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!
You wouldn’t know it from looking at my blog but I make my living writing books. It’s funny how I always wind up posting jokes, music, and recipes instead. Therefore, jokes:
Two Florida State football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.
The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a____.” Bubba was stumped — he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the teacher wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. “Tiny, what’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM.”
“Oh yeah,” said Bubba, “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”
“You are really dumb, Bubba. that’s so easy,” hissed Tiny, “farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’.”
My wife was pissed off with me so she put, “My husband has a tiny cock” on facebook.
It backfired on her though when her sisters, her mother, and her best friends commented, “We know.”
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Molson’s and the Labatt’s.
I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a few of those. He didn’t.
By the time I decided he just didn’t like to drink, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
The first time I met a girl on-line, in the course of introductory emails I tried to tactly ask what was “her build”… Her reply was “athletic.”
Then we got together.
It hadn’t occurred to me that athletic could also mean “middle linebacker.”
A teacher was standing at the front of the class and she said, “I’d like you to tell me what you think sex is.”
Little Jenny at the front put her hand up and said, “I saw a doggie on top of another doggie – is that sex, miss?”
“Yes, good girl,” she said.
Then little Paul put his hand up and said, “I saw my mummy jumping up and down on my daddy in bed, is that sex miss?”
“Yes, good boy, Paul.”
And then little Tommy stood up at the back of the class and shouted, “Miss, I was watching telly the other day and I saw seven Indians on top of John Wayne, is that sex?”
The teacher said, “No, Tommy.”
He stood back up and said, “I didn’t think it was.”
The teacher said, “Why didn’t you think it was?”
Tommy stood up again and said, “I knew it would take more than seven indians to fuck John Wayne.”
I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, “I won’t be in here long.”
He replied, “Well the judge did give you 6 years.”
“Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she’s never let me finish a fucking sentence before.”
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you”, but the girl said “No”.
Johnny said, ” I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend…So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend say’s, “Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.”
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, “The SOB used coins!”
A woman goes to her gynecologist.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked her doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.”
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said “Those aren’t postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas!”