Jorge Quintero – A Thousand Revelations
Pirates of the Caribbean – Bootstrap’s Bootstraps
Life is Beautiful – Buon Giorno Principessa
Marketing is an essential part of self-publishing. So it was a revelation when I found this. I thought I would share to impart my knowledge ;-)
1. You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
2. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
5. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.
6. You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.
8. You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party, this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That’s former President Bill Clinton.
10. You liked it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That’s America!
Forget this November rain and laugh at it. Maniacally.
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do.” said the old man. “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually hot and sweaty.”
When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, “Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?”
“Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”
A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he’d never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo and let the Pope take the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. As the trooper approached the limo the front window rolled down and he peered in. Suddenly he said in a flustered voice, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.”
The trooper called his boss and explained that he had just pulled over a very important person for speeding. “How do I handle this, chief?” asked the trooper.
“Who is it? Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief.
“No! This guy is more important! than that”
“Gosh, is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Far more important!”
“Well, who the heck is it?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the trooper, “but he’s got the Pope driving his limo.”
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
“Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day.” Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.
She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, “How many drops of water are there in the ocean?”
Naturally, none of the kids have the answer to such an abstract question. The teacher smugly tells them, “I guess we’re all staying, then!”
The next day, the teacher makes the same offer. “Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day.” She slams her hand on her desk for emphasis and asks, “How many grains of sand are there in the desert?”
Naturally, nobody can answer, and the teacher smugly tells them that everybody will be staying. The class nerd decides he’s had enough.
At the end of the day, he gets a fistful of ping-pong balls from the gym, paints them black, and wedges them under the edge of the teacher’s desk so no one will be able to see them.
The next day, the teacher makes her announcement as usual. “Whoever can answer this next question can go home for the day!” And as she slams her hand on the desk, the ping-pong balls are shaken loose and bounce all over the room to the delight of the entire class.
Infuriated, the teacher demands, “All right, who’s the comedian with the black balls?!”
“Eddie Murphy,” says the nerd. “See ya Monday, bitch.”
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular porn, you sick fuck.”
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied; “He didn’t hang himself; I put him there to dry. Can I go home?”
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Originally posted on Cooking in Sens:
Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. Something kept saying, “Hello! Fish!” I think my body was rebelling against the hearty, meaty diet I sustained in Alsace. In any case, it was a day to make a visit to the fishmonger.
Of course when I arrived, greed overcame need as it usually does. So many good things, so little time! In addition to the oysters, I bought some beautiful hake fillets and some salmon for later consumption.
As I was taking the oysters from the jar to rinse, I thought about how good life can be when you’ve found a cheerful, accomodating oyster shucker in France. I like fried oysters but I have never shucked an oyster in my life, nor have I had the desire. Yes, I purchased the knife but I was temporarily mind snatched in the supermarket. When I got it home, I couldn’t believe myself!…
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