Let’s drink to that, shall we?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”
The CEO replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”
The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants”?
“Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Canadian soldier is better than ten Taliban”.
The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: “One Canadian is better than one hundred Taliban.”
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The Canadian calls out again: “One Canadian is better than one thousand Taliban.”
The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought …. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men… it’s A trap. There’s two of them!
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.
“Maybe you should wait outside whilst I finish examining your dog,” said the vet.
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
What does alcohol free beer taste like?
Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something’s not right.
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there’s a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says “What’s that for?”
The guy says “That’s a talking clock. I’ll show you how it works.”
He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says “Hey asshole! It’s 3:15 in the morning!”
My opinions are like my bed sheets.
I only change them if it helps me get laid.